I haven’t written in a while but have not been writing much in any of my blogs. I thought it was about time I did an update post.
My silence has been the result of an extended integration and shift into application, one where my Ego or small self (the walk-out) has been consistently submissive and respectful. Sometimes she will be triggered and I will feel myself falling into negative self-talk, depression, confusion and impatience, but most of the time she is silent. I have become very adept at keeping her and the unsettled feelings that come with her at bay. However, I am not perfect and she does move into the forefront at times and I have to reel her back in.
For example, the walk-out, when triggered, tends to get very depressed and down on life. She wants to die or give up. She often has thoughts of killing herself or escaping the pain and boredom of this existence. When she comes through I find thoughts of, “I don’t want to do this anymore” and “what’s the point?” seeping into my mind. The feelings that accompany these thoughts is anxious and just plain icky. These thoughts and feelings are barely there, though, as if she has been chained up and in isolation so long that apathy has overtaken her.
The realization that she is still there is not unsettling. I just ignore her. By ignoring her I mean that I acknowledge her but choose to focus on more positive things and do not allow her misery to bleed through into my experience and purpose in this life. Because of this I am much happier and content in general. I feel she will have her time, though. That time being one that is healing and puts her misery to an end. I think that is why she remains quiet. She knows her time will come eventually. She believes in me/Us. She trusts the process now, when before she didn’t and wanted to push through, throw tantrums and force her way through life.
When I think back on the walk-in experience I had it often feels unreal, like a dream or completely different lifetime. This is what being on the other side of a walk-in feels like I suppose and it is not what I thought it would be. To clarify, I do feel there was a walk-in type phenomena but for me it was that my HS descended more firmly into this body and pushed the lower self, or Ego aspect, into submission. The Ego aspect had to surrender, a process I have experienced more than once as she continued – and still continues – to emerge in response to triggers.
This is where I am at now – more consistently balanced than I have ever been in this lifetime. I am aware of both aspects of Self and am willing to surrender to the HS and let that part of me take charge even when I do not want to go the direction She is taking me because it seems to be taking me farther from what I do want. The path is not a straight line. What lies over the hill is not to be seen or known by that part of me. I accept this and allow. I am happier because of it.
I – we as a collective – are in a period of transition that feels very much like “no movement” despite it being very active at other levels. It reminds me of when I took “seven years” to build my family. During that time I was almost completely focused on mundane life and activities and had very few spiritual experiences. Yet as I ventured slowly to the next tipping point the spiritual experiences began to increase until it was time to move into another transformational period.
So many of us, including me, feel as if we are once again waiting, left to endure. The enduring can be difficult because the sensation is of “no movement” here on the “outside” despite lots of change occurring underneath. My guess is this period will consist of years. How many years, I don’t know, but my gut tells me that when it is time to begin “progressing” (I also hear “processing”) again the signs will be there like they were before.
As knowledge of this “no movement” phase begins to sink in more my thoughts continue to go to various members of my soul family who I have met throughout this lifetime. Some were ex-boyfriend’s and lovers, others friends and acquaintances. I have been sifting through memories of all these connections and wondering, “Where are there now? What happened? Why didn’t we stay in touch?” The result has been a recognition that they entered my life to push me along, guide me in a certain direction. When they were done, they left or gradually disappeared from my life.
Some of my soul family still touch base via my dreams or on social media. These are few and far between, though, and that is OK. I sense that many feel as I do and are questioning what to do next. These are challenging times and though it may not seem like it, we are being asked to step up and apply what we have learned. This may not play out like we thought, however. For some this application of knowledge is mostly internal -battling with thoughts and feelings that bring about negative or unwanted emotions, thoughts and actions. For others it may be more external – family strife and upheaval, challenges of the mundane, etc. Then again, it is a mix of both at times, too.
My guidance advises me to fill this time with things that make me happy and bring me joy. They ask me, “What do you want?” and their questioning brings me to the understanding that this is the time to step away from old patterns of doingness and into new, more constructive ones. If I have done it in the past and it didn’t work or help, then I am being asked to do something different, something new, even if somewhat scary to me.
The Collective is being asked the same questions as I am. Present world events are nudging, pushing even, everyone to question life and the choices that have brought them to where they are presently. Those who have yet to Shift are struggling the most. Those who have already Shifted are here to act as an example and to shed Light on what needs to be seen.
My Present Situation
Interestingly, I find myself in very auspicious times. Where many are struggling financially right now, my family is in affluence. The part of me who has always worried about having enough is still in shock and disbelief, unable or maybe unwilling to accept that such a windfall could befall her. She wants to deny this positive change. She tends to think “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.” She remains cautious, but her new reality is slowly setting in.
Many like me have the mindset of scarcity, especially now. This mindset in useful in that it teaches many lessons that otherwise would not be available to be learned. Note: As I typed, the below message inadvertently came through, [and They add] which was a delight for me/Us as it has been a while since she has allowed us an audience:
As a Spiritual Being we want for nothing and are great manifestors, so the scarcity belief and mindset is in direct conflict with our Higher Truth. Since We have been working on this false belief (scarcity) for many lifetimes, to witness the Shift of this belief into pure Knowing will be extraordinary and one to Behold. We are curious to see how she will use this Knowing. The direction she chooses is her own and not to be judged. We bear Witness to it and our arms are always open wide to receive her.
The choices I have ahead of me are exciting. With my family’s newfound financial gain, which is expected to grow in the coming years (think millions – not kidding!), ideas are flooding my mind as to what to do with the extra money. I wondered, “What do I want?” and my mind was blank. There is nothing I want for myself except what I already have. I then thought that I suppose I would want to give my children the opportunity to travel to distant places. But mostly I want to provide for them a legacy in the form of not only money but also ancestry.
In recent days I have been enjoying the idea of perhaps building a new, custom home on several acres of land in a less crowded area. I absolutely love to create house floor plans and the challenge of it sparked joy in my heart – a great indication that it is not a bad direction to go, if not only for the enjoyment of it! For me, it is not travel that incites positive feelings, but rather home and all that it brings with it – comfort, family, and relaxation. For me, a cozy, warm home is where I want most to be.
The sky is the limit, it seems, and though I know things could shift in the other direction at any time, I am not worried about the “if” this time. I am seeing potential and possibility. Who would I be if I had no limits? Who am I without limits? I am looking forward to finding out.