The Quiet and “Gathering”

I’ve entered a very quiet time again, one I’ve visited before in this life but this time it feels different. More permanent? Or maybe I’m moving towards permanence in this regard? When I say “quiet” I mean that my mind is more quiet, my body is more quiet and my life is definitely quieter. Some would call this “flow” or “acceptance” but for me, quiet feels more accurate.

The process of returning to the Quiet has been pretty obvious and quite simple compared to other instances. In the past, I entered such a phase after much turmoil, resistance and/or a Kundalini event that catapulted me into it. The obvious signs have been feeling a direction and decision from within that is decisive and Knowing, as if there is a sign pointing where I am headed and what will result. For so long I’ve wanted to feel a direction and I realize now that it has always been there, it just wasn’t what I thought and I resisted, thinking my path should look a certain way. This “certain way” was, of course, dependent upon what I saw around me, what I was taught and conditioned to believe, and perpetuated by this material-oriented world. Ultimately, the path I thought was for me, was not, never was nor will never be. 

Where is the sign pointing? There are no words, just a feeling really but if I had to put it into words it would be, “This is the path to You.” The signposts are few, such a rarity that I often think I must be on the wrong path and so frequently, in my past and youth, I would take detours and have to have a course correction. Always, though, I ended up back on the right path. Never did I get from my guidance a scolding or judgement. The consistent message was, “There are no mistakes, just choices.” The only scolding and judgement I received came from within, a voice driven by perfection and a sense that I needed to be something other than what I am.

I’ve beem practicing creating my experiences. I’ve successfully navigated two dreaded dentist experiences, resulting in amazing calm and ease, but there are other smaller instances which are increasing in frequency. The simplest instances are via my choice of what to put my attention upon. For example, I have shifted from listening to music with words to music that is mostly instrumental. If there are words, they are few or contain repeated mantras. I find that listening to music with lyrics, especially music like I’ve always listened to in the past, shifts me out of present time, as music has always done for me. In the past I enjoyed visiting the memories that came to me, but now I recognize these memories do not serve my best interest and often pull me out of present time and into emotions and responses not conducive to my path. 

The Quiet describes the state of my mind for the most part. It is surprising how quiet it is up there. A part of me struggles with this silence because she thinks it abnormal, and it is based upon the experiences we’ve had up to this point. Habitual, almost constant internal dialogue has been the norm, but this dialogue drowns out the voice within. 

Overall, I feel less stressed out, more calm and less worried about things that have no consequence. The voice within fills me with trust and acceptance, something that allows me to flow with life rather than against it. 

The voice asks me to consider what I wish to create. This is not new. I have heard, “What do you want” so frequently that hearing it often causes me to energetically retract for lack of knowing what it is I want. But when I feel into the question, I realize it is asking me “What do you want to create?”, and I recognize that all this time I’ve misunderstood what my guides were asking. Somehow, after almost two decades of hearing this question, it’s finally been received properly. 

The voice has led me to meditate almost nightly. Pranayama – breathwork – has been the main type. Sitting upright rather than laying down has been the most beneficial. I get so relaxed at times that I end up startled by changes in the music or shifts in energy. Sometimes I don’t even notice the music or meditation has ended. lol But what’s the most wonderful is the moving energy up and down my spine that spreads like warm arms around me. It says, always, “You are not alone. You are loved.”

Despite the quiet and the ever present voice within, my dreams indicate some changes coming that are premonitory in nature. It feels like a path is coming into focus, not only for the U.S. but the world as a whole. Though I don’t want to alarm anyone, this path doesn’t look that great, but rather than worry about it, I choose to think of it as a “potentiality”. I write down my dreams and then put them out of my mind. I know that if there is something I need to do, it will be Known.

Gratitude is another piece of the quiet. I feel it frequently. And it seems that this life wants to shower me with abundance. So much so that I am left unsure what to do with it all. I realize I have everything I ever wanted, all I need and then some. So much of my life has been spent worrying about having enough and now I have more than enough. I am reminded of what my guidance has said many times, “You will always have enough.” And so true it is! 

And even as I am trying to get accustomed to this new way of life, more abundance is on the horizon. I can see it. Part of me wants to reject it, to create problems and resist what I have been given. This is part of my programming though and is not mine. It mostly comes from my mother and grandparents. And it is clear that I have become much like my mother despite not being anything like her. It is time to peel off that mask and become the me who has been hiding underneath. The pessimism is not me. The distrust of others is not me. The introversion is not me. These are things I became as a result of conditioning. These are my Not-Self. At the core of my Being is an optimistic visionary. Ha! Who’d have thought? 

So the voice and the quiet is showing me that I am gathering resources and preparing for what lies ahead. The “gathering” is not just physical resources, though that is also part of it. The term “gathering” comes with a visual of pulling expansive energy into myself, like I am a gravitational force – the sun at the center of a universe – pulling towards me what I need. There is really nothing I have to physically “do” for this to happen. There is no action involved except openness to receive. “What do I want to create? What do I want to feel?” These are the questions I meditate upon. These are the questions that guide me. 

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Dream Reminder: Integration Still In-Process

A recent dream brought with it a reminder of the walk-in process.

Dream: Arranged Marriage

In the dream I entered a room where it felt like I had been gone for a while and was reuniting with family and friends. It was a very clean, open space with folding chairs and tables all white and various shades of gray. It reminded me of the inside of a school or other facility that was meant for large groups to gather. 

A woman met me along with some others, their faces all blurs in my memory. A tiny, doll-like baby was presented to me. She was adorable but some sad news came along with her. She was born alongside a twin who died at birth. This caused me to feel incredibly sad and I began to cry. As I cried, I looked at the baby who was oblivious to the fact that she was going to be alone in life, smiling and babbling happily. 

I think I woke briefly and returned to the dream. This time I was at my mom’s house meeting a man who was to be my husband. He reminded of someone I know in real life and I kept thinking of him by his name – Eric. His wife from this life was also there but in the background. 

When I came into the house Eric met me at the door and we spoke briefly. I was still upset and news that he would be my husband was fresh on my mind. I remember telling him he didn’t know much about me. I confessed some things, but he didn’t care, his face showing sympathy and acceptance. I was also very concerned because I felt nothing for him and remember saying it out loud and becoming even more upset. 

There was discussion about the furniture in the home being rearranged. Erin, Eric’s wife, had moved the massive, rectangular dining room table into the dining room cramming it alongside three other smaller tables. She suggested we sell off the other tables. I walked around them inspecting them. They looked like they belonged in a restaurant – wooden, circular and draped in white linen, all with table settings readied for diners.

The scene shifted and I entered a classroom. The room was full of students taking a test. Still very upset, I tried to hide my red nose from the group as I stood awkwardly in front of the class. Eric was sitting in one of the student desks and gave me a nod. I could see that he knew I had been crying and was concerned for me. I sat down at a desk. I heard a quiet male voice in my mind telling me I had everything I needed. A pencil and a ruler were sitting on top of the desk. I looked at Eric and he gave me an encouraging nod. 

A test was suddenly in front of me. I looked at the questions. The subject appeared to be a mixture of math and something else. I had to read a scenario and apply one of eight “theorems”. I tried to recall the theorems in my mind. I could see them clearly but my struggle was with the application. There was a military feel to the questions and theorems, as if I was studying strategy.

As I read through the questions, Eric was helping me via telepathy. I could hear a quiet, male voice in my mind, encouraging me and helping me to figure out the answers. He wasn’t giving me the answers, though. The voice was gentle, filled with love and support. Occasionally I would look across the room at Eric. He would glance back and nod to me, while he kept his head bent over his own test in order to appear focused. 

Strangely, as I reviewed the questions, I noticed some were already answered. The voice suggested I look at the answers to help me with the unanswered ones. I was able to see a pattern and answered the questions based upon that pattern.

When I finished, I walked up to the teacher. The teacher was quite gruff and unsympathetic. I had noticed this about him when I entered the classroom. I faced him without fear and told him, “You’re a good teacher but you should stop deciding who your students are before allowing them to show you who they are.” I remember being surprised I didn’t cry.

This is where the dream ended and I awoke. I still had tears in my eyes.

Walk-In Update

Before falling asleep last night I had felt somewhat disconnected from my life. I was able to view what was happening as if it were happening to someone else. It was surreal as I saw this life play out as if following a script. My role being predestined, sweeping me up into a flow I couldn’t escape. With this surreal feeling came an objectivity, also, as if I understood the “why’s” of everything and could see beyond my small, human lens. 

I find it odd that Eric was the man I saw in my dream. Blonde, with blue eyes and a slender build, he is married to my 4th cousin, Erin, and my husband and I nicknamed them “Ken and Barbie” because they resemble the dolls. Perhaps I used his visage as a way to understand that my “family” is assisting me from the Other Side? 

My biggest upset in the dream was how I felt nothing for my soon-to-be husband. In real life I have a similar upset. My emotions are so flat most of the time and even when there is an argument in my family or between myself and my husband, I tend to be unaffected. When I consider “bad” things that could potentially happen, I don’t care and can accept them if they do. This is because I realize this life is a play, one I chose to participate in while controlling this body. 

The dream helped me to see that the “walk-in” had become the majority within – the walk-in being my Higher Self. The little me can feel the restrictiveness of the Higher me, like reins pulling her in with every consideration of action. Over time (it has been almost 5 years now), the restrictive feeling has become common-place. She still resists at times but the pull from the Higher version is no longer like a tug but instead a gentle nudging filled with love and encouragement, much like Eric was in my dream. An acceptance comes, then, and all resistance fades. There is, however, such sadness at the Knowing that I have so little control over this life. It is clear that my human tantrums are a desperate attempt at control but they tend to only create drama and I’ve grown bored with drama. There is a deep hunger within for something more and the less I struggle, the clearer that hungry feeling gets. My suspicion is that beyond the hunger lies a path leading to spiritual sustenance. 

Long ago I was told all that I have now recognized taking shape within and without. That very slowly an integration would take place and it would appear that suddenly I would be….different. The change is meant to be this way so as not to cause overwhelm. The gradual shift over time and eventual complete integration is noticeable more now than ever, but it is still in process. The little me wants it to just be done, but she has to be a willing participate, fully allowing, surrendering completely to that Higher aspect. I’m not there yet. 

In my daily life an air of acceptance is beginning to rule and I find it a relief. Specifically, I am able to allow my children to Be, without pressuring them to conform to who I think they should be. This is, I believe, why I said to the teacher in my dream what I said. It was a reflection of what I repeat to my husband over and over in regards to his perceived struggles with our daughter. His resistance to her Beingness is the source of that conflict. 

It is reassuring that I have that quiet, supportive voice from within, helping me to navigate this life. 

Update: Integration Shifts to Application

I haven’t written in a while but have not been writing much in any of my blogs. I thought it was about time I did an update post.

My silence has been the result of an extended integration and shift into application, one where my Ego or small self (the walk-out) has been consistently submissive and respectful. Sometimes she will be triggered and I will feel myself falling into negative self-talk, depression, confusion and impatience, but most of the time she is silent. I have become very adept at keeping her and the unsettled feelings that come with her at bay. However, I am not perfect and she does move into the forefront at times and I have to reel her back in.

For example, the walk-out, when triggered, tends to get very depressed and down on life. She wants to die or give up. She often has thoughts of killing herself or escaping the pain and boredom of this existence. When she comes through I find thoughts of, “I don’t want to do this anymore” and “what’s the point?” seeping into my mind. The feelings that accompany these thoughts is anxious and just plain icky. These thoughts and feelings are barely there, though, as if she has been chained up and in isolation so long that apathy has overtaken her.

The realization that she is still there is not unsettling. I just ignore her. By ignoring her I mean that I acknowledge her but choose to focus on more positive things and do not allow her misery to bleed through into my experience and purpose in this life. Because of this I am much happier and content in general. I feel she will have her time, though. That time being one that is healing and puts her misery to an end. I think that is why she remains quiet. She knows her time will come eventually. She believes in me/Us. She trusts the process now, when before she didn’t and wanted to push through, throw tantrums and force her way through life.

When I think back on the walk-in experience I had it often feels unreal, like a dream or completely different lifetime. This is what being on the other side of a walk-in feels like I suppose and it is not what I thought it would be. To clarify, I do feel there was a walk-in type phenomena but for me it was that my HS descended more firmly into this body and pushed the lower self, or Ego aspect, into submission. The Ego aspect had to surrender, a process I have experienced more than once as she continued – and still continues – to emerge in response to triggers.

This is where I am at now – more consistently balanced than I have ever been in this lifetime. I am aware of both aspects of Self and am willing to surrender to the HS and let that part of me take charge even when I do not want to go the direction She is taking me because it seems to be taking me farther from what I do want. The path is not a straight line. What lies over the hill is not to be seen or known by that part of me. I accept this and allow. I am happier because of it.

The Collective

I – we as a collective – are in a period of transition that feels very much like “no movement” despite it being very active at other levels. It reminds me of when I took “seven years” to build my family. During that time I was almost completely focused on mundane life and activities and had very few spiritual experiences. Yet as I ventured slowly to the next tipping point the spiritual experiences began to increase until it was time to move into another transformational period.

So many of us, including me, feel as if we are once again waiting, left to endure. The enduring can be difficult because the sensation is of “no movement” here on the “outside” despite lots of change occurring underneath. My guess is this period will consist of years. How many years, I don’t know, but my gut tells me that when it is time to begin “progressing” (I also hear “processing”) again the signs will be there like they were before.

As knowledge of this “no movement” phase begins to sink in more my thoughts continue to go to various members of my soul family who I have met throughout this lifetime. Some were ex-boyfriend’s and lovers, others friends and acquaintances. I have been sifting through memories of all these connections and wondering, “Where are there now? What happened? Why didn’t we stay in touch?” The result has been a recognition that they entered my life to push me along, guide me in a certain direction. When they were done, they left or gradually disappeared from my life.

Some of my soul family still touch base via my dreams or on social media. These are few and far between, though, and that is OK. I sense that many feel as I do and are questioning what to do next. These are challenging times and though it may not seem like it, we are being asked to step up and apply what we have learned. This may not play out like we thought, however. For some this application of knowledge is mostly internal -battling with thoughts and feelings that bring about negative or unwanted emotions, thoughts and actions. For others it may be more external – family strife and upheaval, challenges of the mundane, etc. Then again, it is a mix of both at times, too.

My guidance advises me to fill this time with things that make me happy and bring me joy. They ask me, “What do you want?” and their questioning brings me to the understanding that this is the time to step away from old patterns of doingness and into new, more constructive ones. If I have done it in the past and it didn’t work or help, then I am being asked to do something different, something new, even if somewhat scary to me.

The Collective is being asked the same questions as I am. Present world events are nudging, pushing even, everyone to question life and the choices that have brought them to where they are presently. Those who have yet to Shift are struggling the most. Those who have already Shifted are here to act as an example and to shed Light on what needs to be seen.

My Present Situation

Interestingly, I find myself in very auspicious times. Where many are struggling financially right now, my family is in affluence. The part of me who has always worried about having enough is still in shock and disbelief, unable or maybe unwilling to accept that such a windfall could befall her. She wants to deny this positive change. She tends to think “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.” She remains cautious, but her new reality is slowly setting in.

Many like me have the mindset of scarcity, especially now. This mindset in useful in that it teaches many lessons that otherwise would not be available to be learned. Note: As I typed, the below message inadvertently came through, [and They add] which was a delight for me/Us as it has been a while since she has allowed us an audience:

As a Spiritual Being we want for nothing and are great manifestors, so the scarcity belief and mindset is in direct conflict with our Higher Truth. Since We have been working on this false belief (scarcity) for many lifetimes, to witness the Shift of this belief into pure Knowing will be extraordinary and one to Behold. We are curious to see how she will use this Knowing. The direction she chooses is her own and not to be judged. We bear Witness to it and our arms are always open wide to receive her. 

The choices I have ahead of me are exciting. With my family’s newfound financial gain, which is expected to grow in the coming years (think millions – not kidding!), ideas are flooding my mind as to what to do with the extra money. I wondered, “What do I want?” and my mind was blank. There is nothing I want for myself except what I already have. I then thought that I suppose I would want to give my children the opportunity to travel to distant places. But mostly I want to provide for them a legacy in the form of not only money but also ancestry.

In recent days I have been enjoying the idea of perhaps building a new, custom home on several acres of land in a less crowded area. I absolutely love to create house floor plans and the challenge of it sparked joy in my heart – a great indication that it is not a bad direction to go, if not only for the enjoyment of it! For me, it is not travel that incites positive feelings, but rather home and all that it brings with it – comfort, family, and relaxation. For me, a cozy, warm home is where I want most to be.

The sky is the limit, it seems, and though I know things could shift in the other direction at any time, I am not worried about the “if” this time. I am seeing potential and possibility. Who would I be if I had no limits? Who am I without limits? I am looking forward to finding out.

 

 

 

 

Oracle Deck Update and Future Plans

I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve written in this blog. I do apologize. Too much has happened, so no summary as of yet. Instead, I want to let you all know that I am working on overhauling my Light Code Oracle deck.

The overhaul will consist of getting better quality images of my paintings, remaking the guidebook so it is small enough to fit in the pouch along with the cards and editing the card meanings so that they are more functional and appropriate to the artwork and Light Codes on them.

I am currently looking for a local company to scan each painting and provide me with a high resolution images for use in both the oracle deck cards themselves and prints of various sizes. Once I receive the images I will edit the cards in the deck using the new, higher resolution images.

The guidebook is currently being edited. The old guidebook will no longer be available, so if you like the bigger version and have it – great! Otherwise, be ready for the 2.75 inch x 4.75 inch version as soon as I finish transcribing the content and formatting it for the new size. The bigger guidebook is still available on the Gamecrafter website as a stand-alone purchase for the time being. However, the deck and guidebook combo has been taken down (unpublished) while I edit the new guidebook. There will be some minor changes here and there to the card descriptions for reasons I already outlined above.

Here is an example of a description change in case you are worried it will be totally different from the original description. The change is to the Abundance card:

The original description was as follows:

The text for Acceleration was also edited a bit but only to make the description fit the dimensions of the new booklet.

Other Plans

As 2020 approached, I knew that I was being called to return to my work but since I have not been extremely active (other than my blog) in using my spiritual gifts and abilities to help others, I was at a loss as to what kind of work I was being called to do. Now, a week into the new year, I am beginning to get glimpses of the changes I need to make. My focus is on returning to following/feeling my joy. My joy stems from all things spiritual, but especially helping and guiding others who are newly awakened, questioning their path and clueless as to how to travel it.

I have many ideas and projects in mind but am starting with my oracle deck and art because it seems to be calling to me more than anything else these days. In fact, last year I began to pull out all my paintings, dust them off (most were under the bed), frame them and hang them all over my house. Every morning I wake up to my paintings and every day I feel the influence of their energy upon me, telling me to persevere, to focus on my mission (even if I can’t articulate it) and be ready to emerge in 2020.

These are paintings I selected to place on my wall in my bedroom. They act like the cards, guiding me forward from a point in the past. From left to right – Desolation, Mission, Emergence.

The ultimate plan is to get back out there, meaning book some metaphysical fairs and begin to offer my services as often as I can. However, the “services” part is still a mystery to me at this time. I do not feel called to do readings like I have in the past. It feels like I am going to shift direction, but the “how” is not clear to me just yet.

Once I get my oracle deck looking like I want it to, I may book a spot at a local metaphysical fair and see if I can sell my deck there. I also want to try and sell some prints of the original paintings that make up the cards of the deck. I suppose I could offer readings using the deck as well (which would be fun) and who knows what else might arise out of it all in the end.

Regardless, I will keep you all posted as I progress along these lines. Thank you for your patience with me along the way as I transformed and shifted through some very difficult and profound times in my life. I feel optimistic about the coming year and decade ahead.

Namaste,

Dayna

 

 

 

Physical Progress

I wanted to give a status update regarding realigning the physical body to include not only the skeletal/musculature but the endocrine and digestive systems as well.

Yoga

As I have mentioned previously, I have been guided to practice yoga on a daily basis. This I have done religiously, though on occasion I have had to skip a day. Change has been slow but there has been progress. So far I have gone from being unable to remain in rock pose without a block because of the tension around my knees, to being able to comfortably sit in that position without a block for very long periods without any tension or discomfort. I can even bend over and almost touch my forehead to the ground (1 in away) without discomfort.

Similarly, I have noticed more flexibility in my hips, hamstrings and shoulders. For example, I can do pyramid pose without issue when I could not when I began a daily practice. I can also do wheel pose (also called “flipping the dog” or “wild thing” lol) now which requires shoulder and hip mobility.

I still have a long way to go and there are some poses I may never be able to do without modifications. However, the changes to my body and energy have been significant enough to convince me that I need to continue a daily practice of at least 30 minutes of yoga while also doing foam rolling (SMR) of specific muscles at least three times a week.

Digestive System

Progress with the digestive system has been phenomenal. I have successfully balanced my gut flora using prebiotics and probiotics, homemade yogurt and kombucha. Each is a part of my daily morning routine. I eat a higher fat diet than I use to – 30% or more of my total caloric intake – composed of healthy fats (nuts and seeds, avocado, coconut oil). I also decreased gluten intake but have not completely eliminated it. I find that if my gut shows signs of imbalance then cutting out gluten completely for a week will resolve it. My guidance indicates gluten creates a mild inflammation response in my body. However, there is not yet need for me to remain completely gluten free at this time (hoping never).

I have also vowed to never take antibiotics again for a skin condition (meaning unnecessary). Antibiotics, specifically Ampicilin, created the gut imbalance in the first place. All in all I took antibiotics (Doxycycline and Ampicilin) a total of around 12 months  for acne related issues. Antibiotics should only be taken short-term (14 days max for most), not for 30+ days or more at a time. Doctors give us a quick fix but what they really should be doing is addressing the underlying causes, working toward “whole body, mind, Spirit health”. I am so very grateful to my guidance for being my holistic doctors. 🙂

Endocrine System

The endocrine system has been a whole other mess to deal with. For years (since 2014 after my c-section) I have been dealing with skin issues (acne, dry skin, eczema) that come and go seemingly for no reason. Similarly, my hormones have been all out of whack with various symptoms ranging from cramping during ovulation, heavy periods, shorter cycles on and off, and sometimes skipping a cycle altogether (only happened once). It was assumed that the skin issues were directly related to hormone imbalance and so for a long while there was use of antibiotics, skin creams (Retin A), and even birth control (bad idea).

Then this year I was told to stop taking vitamin A in a dream. I listened, stopped supplementing and then stopped the topical cream as well. I was temped to restart antibiotics and even birth control but my gut/guidance said, “No. Just wait. It will resolve.” I had certainty of this but without a logical explanation as to why.

Within a couple of weeks my complexion underwent a phenomenal transformation. The acne faded and my skin returned to a normal hydration level. One morning I was reminded of my earlier skincare regime. So, I decided to return to a skin regime I use to follow years ago in my 20’s. Basically it is using Glycolic Acid 10% along with Salycilic Acid 2% as part of my morning routine. I also went back to a Benzoyl Peroxide face wash and covered my face with moisture cream made for people with eczema and psoriasis.

When my face was clear enough and the dryness gone, I began to do home chemical peels (also from my 20s/30s). I did a series every two weeks for six weeks. The peels mostly just remove old scarring and skin damage, increase collagen production, reduce pore size and assist with hydration levels. I use to have them done professionally in my 30s until I started doing them on my own from home but then stopped when I began to use retinoids (you can’t do a peel when using them).  I credit the peels for fixing the areas on my chin that kept flaring up into scabby, scary looking spots that wouldn’t heal.

Just recently I re-introduced the retinoid I was prescribed (Tazorac .1%) but use Short Contact Therapy (SCT) meaning I only leave it on for a max of 5 minutes and then wash it off. The cream is usually left on overnight. I often forget to use the retinoid altogether, though, because my face and complexion has improved so much.

While all of the face/skin transformation was going on I also returned to seed cycling to help balance my hormones. I had success with it before but stopped because I got tired of it. I noticed a shift in my cycle this month (2 months into seed cycling). It is amazing how just eating certain seeds on certain days can lead to hormone balance!

Of course the gut, hormones and skin issues all go together. An unhealthy gut has been proven to lead to acne and skin issues such as the ones I had. Hormones do the same. And yoga reduces stress levels which also contribute to skin issues (acne and eczema for me).

I will continue to listen to my guidance and see if I can come into even more balance than I have so far.

 

 

 

Reminder: Mission Comes First

Had a reminder visit this morning to help keep me on track. It came both in the form of a dream and in recovering of memory of my mission in this life and body.

Last night I went to bed feeling once again very down and out over my situation and timeline. It really upsets me that my life will continue on as it is without much to look forward to (or that is how it seems now). Though I want to be at ease with my situation and life as it is presently I can’t help but feel restless, in a rush to do more, be more, etc.

I asked for help yesterday. It was provided in dreamtime.

Dream: VPR

The dream began in a location adjacent to my mother’s home and land. Not sure if this is an alternate universe I created or meant to indicate a connection to that part of me and my life. I believe, now that I have had time to process the dream more, that I was being reminded of my past and the preparation it provided for my life.

I was in a large mansion in the garage (inactivity) which was open to my mom’s property. I could see the gate to my grandparent’s land in front of me, the mailboxes, etc. All was very vivid. A group or “party” of people was arriving who I knew and was awaiting. They were going to take me somewhere. I waited for them at the SUV.

When the group arrived a man who was blonde and very tall reminded me that he knew me and told me how we knew one another. He sent me the memory as pictures/images and I recognized myself in them and said, “Yes, I do know her (me) and I remember you!” In the memory I was there as was a blonde girl/woman and him as well. We were on a flatbed truck and I was between him and the girl version of me.

In the SUV (wanting to deviate from a path) a woman began to drive us to our destination. I noticed the gas tank was nearly on empty and exclaimed that we would have to go the long way around to get gas. The closest gas station was 14 miles in the opposite direction. I said, “You should know better than to come out here without enough gas.” As we drove, though, the tank showed a quarter of a tank. I realized I should have waited for the car to warm up and that my mistake would delay us. I could see the familiar land surrounding my mom’s place as we drove.

When we arrived at our destination it was a large facility or warehouse with lots of rooms and stations inside and very high ceilings. There was quite a lot of the dream where I was in a bathroom adjacent to a bedroom. I was on my period (release of pent up tension/anxiety) and had begun to bleed so much that I was soiling the bathroom. A young man kept trying to get to me and I had to make excuses to hide the blood. It felt as if he was romantically interested in me. In fact, it felt like more than one man was doing this but I only recall the one. He went to my top dresser drawer to get me some clothing and I tried to stop him, worried of what he would see. When he opened it up it was full of food – protein bars and sweets. I relaxed then and asked him if he wanted one.

A woman came in and got the man to leave. She then helped me manage the overflow of blood. I told her that I was on day three and normally would not have so much blood. It didn’t make sense to me. I looked down and saw a puddle of blood pooling near my feet. It was spreading out and getting bigger. I had menstrual cramps and everything. It felt very real.

There was a shift in the dream and I saw a young girl who had just been born. There were parents but the focus was on the girl. She was special. She had blonde hair and blue eyes and looked like the girl I had seen earlier in the visions given to me by the man. I watched as she grew super fast, skipping childhood completely to become a young adult. I then saw her step onto an elevator.

Another shift and we were all gathering to receive our assignments. We – the girl and I – were with the man from earlier in the dream on a flatbed truck just like in the vision. I was told that I would go with the girl and we left with a group to our assigned flatbed truck (group work) to await transport. I remember being told I was not to go on the truck with food and had a very important mission on the front lines. It felt very military in a way as there were hundreds of us in formation and then hundreds of groups of others doing the same thing. We were also all wearing white nurse-like uniforms. Pure white.

Then an alarm sounded and a voice came over a loud speaker. It was informing us of an assignment change because of an emergent situation. People began to scramble and look at small devices in their hands. The devices told them their new assignments. Many left the line. The young woman with me did this. I was confused and looked down in my hand at the device I had with me. It had never been used and somehow I knew how to get it to function. I had to take tape off the paper and feed it into the device. It then began to print up my assignment but I was holding it so the printed words were upside down. A woman came to assist me and took the printed info and tore it out of the machine along the perforation. She then showed it to me.

I saw very distinctly this:

OUE but when I read it the letters shifted and the O looked more like a Q.

OUE to QUE

The woman told me, “You have been assigned to the Visual Presentation Center (VPR)”.

I wondered about what this was and saw in my mind the front desk of the entire facility we were in. It felt like in-take and my heart sank because I knew what it meant. I had been taken off the front lines where all the “action” and “important” work was being done and been sent to be a greeter of incoming “soldiers” (though that is not the right word). It felt similar to being a hostess at a restaurant – greeting people as they came in, smiling and being nice, taking their information and walking them to their assigned “seats”. I was immediately sad/disappointed especially because I knew the young woman I had been with had been sent to do what I felt was a more exciting assignment, closer to the action and more hands on.

Somehow the letters on the paper explained my assignment. When I looked at them the O was most prominent and the other letters seemed to fit inside. The bottom portion that made the O look like a Q was set in such a way as the Q was more like a O with a perpendicular line pointing straight down underneath. I believe I was seeing Light Code in the dream and that it was how we communicated.

I walked toward my assigned location and passed by a tall, dark haired Hispanic-looking man with facial hair (go-tee). I knew him as the person I reported to. I also felt like he was the “father” of the young woman for some reason and thus held a similar relationship to me. When I walked by him I asked, “When would you like me to report?” He said to me, “I don’t care.” He looked and felt as if he were just as disappointed as me. I noticed he had a rake (must do work by ones self) or broom in his hand and was using it as if cleaning up the area. It seemed like he did not want anything to do with me but I did not take offense.

The sense overall was that no matter my assignment I would do it, not because I had to for fear of punishment but because it was needed. Everyone went where their gifts would be of best use for the whole. It felt like duty and loyalty to a cause. There was no “I” in this equation, only “We”.

Reminder

The reality of my assignment woke me from my slumber and my partner was very close. My lower abdominal region was sore and stiff and I could feel energy swirling in my head from my crown down the back of my neck.

Disappointed by the reminder my dream provided I felt deflated. My partner sent calm and said, “You belong here (as in this position in time/space).” I said to him about my assignment to the VPR – “But I’m not doing anything.” He replied, “Yes you are. You’re here to guide others.”

With his words my blog came to mind immediately. I acknowledged him but still was disappointed. I wanted to be assigned where the young woman in my dream was assigned – the front lines where all the action was taking place. It was exciting, full of action and participation, everything that I feel called to do here.

My partner then reminded me of my life and background, how everything I had done up to this point had been in preparation for my role in the ascension of Earth. The main path, of course, has been “teacher”. I worked with children of all ages, mostly those struggling, and expanded into counseling. All of these attributes are specific to my role as guide. The dream was showing me that my assignment is to meet and greet others coming into awareness (in-take) and show (guide) them their path.

I can only assume now that the “others” are children or those considered children either literally, figuratively or both.

My partner encouraged me to not resist, to allow, which I did. I could feel the comforting energy settling over my head and snaking down my neck toward my core. He said, “We talked about this before you arrived.” I Remembered but had not anticipated how difficult it would be. My gut urge is to jump head-first into action but the reality of my situation is that I cannot move so quickly. I heard, “It is incomplete” and I knew this to mean that my process, which is also the process of my current family/situation, is not yet complete. Contracts must be fulfilled.

I was gifted with a vessel that had been prepared (via experience, attributes) for my work but in return I must complete her contracts. This is our agreement.

My gut urge, though, is to LIVE my purpose. Imagine receiving the gift of a body that is full grown and still maintains its vibrancy and youth. Wouldn’t you want to explore it? Wouldn’t you want to grab hold of life and live it? Yet what I am confronted with is the reality of the agreement I made with the walk-out. Before I can do my work here I have to complete hers. To me it seems like an eternity, as if this body will be old and have lost all its youth before her contracts are complete. It seems like such a waste to not use what I have been given.

I shifted into dreams again after a while. In them I was traveling to California (spiritual connections/home) and meeting up with my family, a group of people unrelated by blood but connected at a far deeper level. We were planning a trip together and I remember scheduling a 12:30 trip with my mom. I kept taking photos and video of the group, seeking to remember the faces and the connection we all shared. Throughout this dream I kept having physical sensations of arousal which would wake me and then I would fall back into the dream scene. This happened over and over.

Ultimately I awoke and was reminded that the pleasures of the body are inferior to the sensations created from the connection of Spirit. That missing out on my remaining youth was unimportant and I would recognize this at some point. My outward appearance would matter not. This I remembered from the many lessons in dreamtime I had undergone reminding me that when one is connected to the Divine all other considerations of the flesh fall away. Yet while in this vessel – flesh – the sensations of the body and the desire that accompanies it is very real and attractive.

Then the reminder and Knowing – Mission first, all else is secondary.

Reality

It is at moments like these – moments of Remembering – that this experience of walking-in to an adult human body is very real to me. The Memory is like lightening and there is immediate surrender to this Knowing. I know that the walk-out was not like this. When I think of her the word that first comes to mind is “resistance”. She resisted everything to the point that her entire physical body continues this pattern, stiff and unbending to life to the point that months of daily yoga practice has yet to free this body of its restrictions.

Similarly, I can understand why she was so resistant. Her Knowing went against her wanting. Now in her shoes I have similar feelings, similar desires to do my own thing, to break free of this life trajectory I am on. It is very real to me why she was the way she was. And now, in her shoes, I am experiencing not only who she was but also how she was – is – received by others and the roles she agreed to play in their lives. But my role as her is very passive. I simply continue her patterns for the benefit of others while waiting for their lessons to complete and her (my) contracts to be fulfilled.

In the meanwhile everything I came here to do is on hold. Everything except working on correcting the issues of this body so that it can hold more Light. Right now preparation is the only thing on my agenda other than fulfilling the contracts of the walk-out.

 

 

Tethered

I wish to discuss a feeling I’ve been aware of these past months since I walked in. The feeling existed prior to the walk-in, only it was less obvious and easy to ignore. Now, however, it cannot easily be ignored.

Prior to the walk-in I would have called it a feeling or gut/intuitive sense. It was so slight that I could not put my finger on what it indicated. I knew only that it left me feeling undecided; split.

Now I recognize the sensation is energetic and not emotional at all.

It is only present when I consider my options in life, asking myself questions like: What do I want to do? My mind often wanders to my time visiting Tennessee and I long to return to the mountains there. I think to myself, “It is so easy. It is just a decision. I can go there, live there if I want. Nothing is stopping me.” Yet the minute I consider going elsewhere, like TN or another state, I feel this tethered feeling. It is like I have chains attached to me that weigh me down to one place. These tethers extend from my spiritual body into the physical. I see them deeply embedded in Texas. I see them attached to the Beings I call my children, too. One would think I could just take my children with me and be free to go and do what I wish, but the tether to Texas is stronger. There is much more to the physical location than I am able to see.

Do I fight this feeling or go with it? I sense – Know – I need to go with it. The feeling is purposeful. I have a contract with the three Beings I brought into this world. I can see the energetic cords that bind me to them and them to me. They are beautiful and intricate, woven strands of colored, silvery energy that extend between us.

The cord to Texas is not as beautiful. It is thick, like rope, and fibrous. The color is solid and yellow. It feels more like an anchor than a tether. Is this family history? Something genetic in origin? Have I been assigned to this location? I suspect it is something along these lines.

So, ultimately, it is the physical location that creates the most resistance. It is heavy and cumbersome. Yet the connection I have with my children feels linked to the location. I sense that if I were to relocate and take them with me that something – circumstances, life – would always take me back to Texas….pull me back.

There is so much I would like to do but this tethered feeling stops me in my tracks. It says, “No. Not yet.”

I am reminded that I am not finished adjusting and that I will Know when it is time.

The Body as a Temple

I mentioned in my last post that I planned on writing more about my insights about the treatment of the physical body and maintaining balance. Below are excerpts from my personal journal.

June 4th 

As I settled down to sleep I was asked if I was ready to Remember some more. I said, “Yes” and then meditated for a while. During meditation I felt guided to “rest” my mind, to calm it and focus. A conversation ensued about this feeling I have inside that tells me what my life should be versus how my life is. The feeling is so unassuming and peaceful. It is an at-easeness with life. Life and existing in this body is flowing and balanced. I was able to contact the feeling. I was encourage to continue to contact it, to touch upon it when I needed a reminder of where I am going; to use it as my compass.

We discussed yoga and why I am being led in this direction. I have insecurities about my form and my body. I have such imbalance in my musculature which prevent me from settling into the asanas comfortably. It is hard for me to see myself as proficient in yoga. My mind says, “Yoga instructors have been practicing yoga all their lives. They are able to demonstrate proper form. Their bodies are supple and balanced.” I am none of these things. In fact, I just started practicing yoga this year.

I was directed to consider my most recent yoga experiences. I have twice completed a 1 hour 15 minute grounding practice included in a set of 6 I recently purchased to prepare me for the Clubbell Yoga workshop this Fall. My reaction thus far is that it was challenging but achievable. In fact, I was able to complete it without issue though I had to modify some of the poses requiring balance. I had a win, though, because by the second round of those requiring balance I was successful (Warrior 3 and Half-moon). It was obvious to me that in order to teach others yoga I would have to work hard on mastering the asanas so that I could speak without gasping for air. lol As of now, the challenge has been to breathe properly because when I am challenged I tend to breathe heavily or hold my breath. With practice my breathing will be less strained so that I can speak and think clearly as I go through the practice.

My conclusion was that yoga presents a unique challenge far beyond the other physical challenges I have faced with high intensity and high impact activity (running and weight training specifically). Of course, the other physical activity I have challenged myself with has had its place but none assists with energy flow and balance of the body like yoga. In fact, they actually can create imbalance and inhibit energy flow (chi)! Mentally, yoga is far more challenging as well. It is easy to quiet your mind when you are running or weight training because they force you to focus on whatever movements you are performing. In yoga, your mind easily wanders and so it takes more intention to remain focused. In fact, yoga reminds me of dancing or better yet of when I would practice flag routines in high school. You are moving your body, seeking to perfect the movement of it without strain all the while maintaining breath and being conscious of the energy in your body. Yoga is an art. Truly.

Even so, I am skeptical that I can become proficient enough to feel confident. I want to continue doing what I am familiar with. My guidance asked me to consider the real purpose behind my exercise. Is it because I want to be healthy? Because I enjoy it? Or is it more because I want to maintain a certain outer appearance? Of course, I knew it was vanity that was my main motivator. I was asked to take away that motivator. What was left? Would I lift weights or go for runs if that motivation was gone? Ultimately, my answer was, “No, not as much anyway and definitely not as intensely.”

Then I was asked to consider how I felt after such intense exercise and then to compare it to how I feel after yoga. After a run I feel a brief runner’s high usually, but not if I push myself too hard. After weight training I feel tired, sometimes light headed and a day or more later very sore. After yoga my entire body feels energized. There is a stirring of energy that courses through the areas that were tight beforehand. There is a lightness as well, like I just received a massage but without the tired feeling. I feel more balanced in body and Spirit. Mentally I feel accomplished and more connected to my physical body than before.

My guidance then said simply, “Your body is your temple.” This hit home because the message all along has been to correct the years of misuse of this body to the best of my ability.

Questions to consider:

1. Does the activity, the nourishment of and treatment of my body, assist in prolonging the function of the body or does it take away from it?
2. What form of exercise best assists in the functioning of the mind, the body and the Spirit when done consistently?

I know running doesn’t meet this criteria. It actually leads to the breakdown of the joints, an increased likelihood of injury, and other issues. Weight training can also do these things. Taking the body to exhaustion repetitively is like running your car with the engine in the red. Eventually it will breakdown. Neither running or weight lifting assists in balancing the energy body, clearing blockages or balancing mind, body and Spirit (though I am sure some would argue that).

It’s not even that I want to live longer but that I want my time in this body to be enjoyable. I don’t want my joints to hurt or my muscles to be so out of balance that injury, poor posture and nervous system or endocrine system issues result. I don’t want my heart to be overworked, my blood sugar to get to scary low levels, or my body to respond with higher cortisone levels because it is “stressed out” from over exertion (high intensity exercise has been shown to actually cause stress rather than reduce it!).

I am not trying to discourage anyone from exercising in the traditional sense, not at all, but if you are doing it to the extreme or not listening to your body but instead pushing yourself to test your “mental grit” or prove something to yourself, then I suggest you reconsider the long-term results of doing so. Is it worth it in the long run to push your body so much? How do you think you will feel after 5, 10, 20 years of treating your body this way?

For those on a spiritual path, pushing your physical body can also delay your progress. Yes it is grounding and can “free your mind” in a sense, but it is not balancing of body, mind and Spirit. Balance occurs from the “ground” up. Meaning balanced body = balanced mind = balanced Spirit (energy, chi, etc). The balance starts with the body and moves up. As long as you occupy a body, the body will dictate how much balance you are able to achieve within it. For example, say you are an avid runner. Well, it is likely you have muscle imbalance in your hips, lower back, calves and legs. This imbalance in the physical tissues leads to imbalance in the spiritual tissues (blocks in energy). Mentally you might feel accomplished and “high” for a short while but it is not sustainable and can actually lead to avoidance of issues (as in exercise addiction, using exercise to block thoughts, becoming overly use to forced mental clarity and losing the ability to naturally quiet the mind).

Ultimately, I am being shown how our treatment of the body is shortening our lives. This is not just by what we put into our body (food, drink, substances) but also in how we use (or don’t use) it.

All of this is opposite of my previous considerations toward exercise and is taking a while for me to process and accept, but the more I feel for the answers, the more I am realizing I have not been treating my body like a temple.

June 9th

I should go over where balance is needed:

• Physical – periods of rest and inactivity balanced with high to moderate periods of physical activity.
• Mental – periods of problem solving balanced with meditative states inducing peace and calm.
• Emotional – periods of giving to others emotional support balanced with periods of providing it for myself.

Of course it can and should go further than just these things. Physical is much more than exercise and activity. There is food and water as well. Not over or under eating, eating more veggies and natural foods, avoiding toxins and chemicals on the body and in the body, etc.

Mental involves managing stress levels not only through meditation but also via engaging the mind in things that bring about mental stimulation and challenge at a level that is well tolerated. Not too many losses but not too many wins (otherwise boredom). Seeking assistance and engaging in group activities is also helpful.

Emotional balance involves being in tune with ones feelings. This is also mental because it involves observing thoughts that go with the emotions and often trigger them. Setting intentions helps here – intentions to be sympathetic and attentive to one’s own needs and feelings – learning to stop being critical of one’s self, patience with self, love of self and self-care.

An individual can be happy and satisfied in life regardless of their circumstances if they can maintain balance in all areas. All external circumstances are just there to challenge that balance.

 

Difficulty

As time passes and I integrate more fully into this life and body it is, the difficulty surrounding what I signed up for is becoming more and more obvious. The following dreams provide insight into the challenges I face.

Dream: Water Spider

Met with a group of people at a car. Only one man was there and I wondered where everyone else was. He said there was someone in the car. I looked but it was hard to see anyone in there but there was woman sitting in the passenger seat. We went to a pond and I eagerly cast my line but got tons of pond weed. The whole time I felt my “family” was there with me, specifically my mom and youngest son.

I opted to walk up the right side of the pond. It was rocky with large, round boulders. On the other side I could see a stream also lined with boulders. The water was crystal clear. Beneath the water were all kinds of fish (insight). Excited to try my luck I grabbed my rod and attempted to cast down into the water even though it was very far beneath me. My line didn’t budge and I soon noticed it was wrapped around the rod so horribly knotted that I could not fix it (confusion in waking life; things getting in the way). I handed the rod to my mom to have her fix it as I climbed down toward the clear water. Eventually she handed me another rod but it was a bamboo one with a cork on the end. I said it would not work.

My son (masculine aspect) was with me and he cast in and something heavy was on his line as he reeled in. My mom said, “It’s a water spider!” I was thinking it odd that a water (emotion) spider (spiritual aspect) would be so big so looked and sure enough there was a large, gelatinous looking spider on the end. It was white and looked more like an octopus (entangled in difficult matter) than a spider. Baby ones were pouring out from the bottom of it and crawling back into the water. I exclaimed, “Look! It has babies!” We did not want to keep the water spider so we worked hard to release it back into the water.

Dream: Elderly Woman’s Home

In this dream I was visiting an elderly woman’s (aspect of self) home with some other women. There is interaction I can’t recall completely here. Some included spot cleaning the tile floor (cleansing and renewal) and taking photos (memories) of us laying on a bed (private self) of lavender colored flowers (peace, reflection). I remember watching the old woman demonstrate how she spot cleaned the tile and how difficult it was for her to bend over to do it (physical limitations). She could barely get on her hands and knees. I gladly helped her and just bent over to spot clean.

I recall a section of this dream that doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of my memory of it. I’m not sure if it happened before or during or at the same time as the rest of the dream. I am outside a house (present self/body) with my old boss. She is handing me the keys (access) to the house and we are discussing my job. I remember being told what to do. One of my assignments was to inspect the work vehicles’ (life path) fuel (energy, motivation) and I had to do it at a certain time every day. I said I would be happy to do so and that it fit well with the meetings I knew the administrator had. When I am asked again if I want the job I say, “Yes, it gives me autonomy which is exactly what I want.” In my mind I am pleased and visualizing being left alone to do my job.

Back to the dream – I also remember reaching up to grab her camera and seeing a photo of a family (memories) – my family with my husband and children – on the display. I remembered the photo had been lost (lost memory) somehow and when I attempted to make a copy (recreate) of it, the camera display changed and I could not retrieve the photo. Eventually I felt I had done something wrong, broken the old woman’s camera or worse, so put it back quietly and left it there on the shelf (concerns that I cannot fill the shoes of the walk-out).

Then I was inside the old woman’s bedroom (private self) helping her to get organized. Inside the room I saw things I recognized and knew were not the old woman’s things. I commented saying, “Did the house come with the furniture and the belongings of the past owner?” The old woman said it had (recognizing walk-out’s issues). I pointed out the flowered sheets on her bed and pointed out some other things as proof. It felt like the past occupant had not wanted any of her things and the old woman just took them over as her own.

The focus then shifted to the bed (private self). Another woman was helping the old woman put sections of it together. The bed was divided into two sections – the headboard section and the rest of the bed (foot and middle section). The headboard had about four feet of mattress attached to it with its own bedding that matched the other section. I commented that it was odd saying, “I have never seen a bed like that! How do you sleep in it?”

Then I noticed the bed was actually in three sections – head, middle and foot. It was very odd to me that it was in so many pieces (indication of fragmentation).

As I looked around I inspected a shelf with items on it. There were children’s things – toys and random objects that didn’t make sense to keep (walk-out’s attachment to her children). I saw a deck of math cards (logic) and thought that the woman’s grandchildren must come visit sometimes. There was a sense that the woman was trying to hold onto memories of her family and her younger years. A sadness came over me. A few tears escaped my eyes and I wondered, “What is the point? Why repeat this cycle when it just ends in loneliness and sadness?”

Difficulties

I woke up as I heard myself thinking, “The first dream was from the masculine point of view. The second from the feminine.”

I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t so I lingered in bed another hour. The feeling I had was of despair toward the cycle of human life and the pointlessness of it all. It also seemed like the bed and house of the older woman represented the walk-out and the things (memories) she left behind. I remember being told that I (as the walk-in) was selected based upon my experience for this “job”. I accepted this without question.

The old woman (walk-out) was a sad sight to me. I felt sorry for her and am not wanting to be her. I remember hearing as both my guidance and myself (one merged voice), “You don’t want to grow old.” In my mind the time left in this life spanned out in front of me like a slow, torturous, winding road that seemed never to end. I saw all the “rules” that went along with it and how difficult it would be to navigate this life with them in place, so rigid and unbending. The excitement I once felt at the prospect of living to be sucked out of me. I again thought, “How can they go through it (the cycle of life) over and over again like that? I don’t want to do this again.” I heard back, “We know.”

Specifically, I am disturbed by the practices of humanity regarding relationships, mating (sex/reproduction), children and family. All are very obvious to me because I am living it every day. But there is also the disturbing truth about the human biological body and how humans do not know how to manage it so that it survives as it is intended to, using the body up without taking care of it so that decades of use are lost and an early, degrading of the physical vessel results. The body could last three times longer than it is but humans don’t maintain it properly. Note: I’ve actually written a whole post on this topic that I might post later.

I see in my memory how to maintain the human body so that it lives/lasts longer. All the changes necessary are impossible (it seems) to institute in the reality that exists now. Humanity would have to live so differently, with more connection to the Earth and each other, less stress (physically and emotionally), and more focus on maintaining the physical body (daily practices).

There is memory of what human life is meant to be and it contrasts greatly with the reality in which I am placed. I struggle with how to reconcile the two realities – the one I brought with me in Memory and the one that this reality presents to me. How do I bring forth into this reality the other reality? Can I? I realize doing so will not be easy.

 

Immersion

I apologize for once again taking such a long pause between posts. I’ve been adjusting and immersing myself in physical experiences. The immersion process is necessary and at times difficult because of the tendency to occasionally lose touch with where I come from and why I am here. The tendency to forget comes with the occupation of a human host body and the density of physical experience.

The biggest issue I am struggling with is feeling at home and connected here among so many who are unaware. It is difficult for me to feel out my connection with them yet I know there is one if I can settle down and focus upon the deeper layers of the individuals in question. The complete lack of a deeper connection to those who I not only reside with but also those who I come in contact with, family and non-family alike, has created an inner irritation and restless sensation that is difficult to shake.

Recently I was questioning this disconnect and felt a need to further inspect it. So, I focused on my MIL specifically. I saw not only her patterns and cycles but some of her programming. It was surprising to me just how much of her behavior, interaction and personality were projections! It was clear that she was unaware of her cycles, that she believes she is the person she is projecting and that she is completely running on autopilot. My response to this was understanding but I did not feel a need to change my avoidance of her nor did I feel any compassion for her plight.

My lack of compassion bothered me as well. Should I not try and resolve it? My feeling was it was to be expected. Then I began to see the entire set-up of this physical reality as a “game board” upon which we are players. In a virtual reality type “game” there are many other characters encountered. Some you must interact with, some you see passing you by doing the same things over and over and some you barely notice because they are not part of your path. I saw my MIL as one of the many players I would encounter on my mission here but only because her path intersects mine via my husband.

I remembered then to not judge my response to the unaware individuals I encounter and to just allow the feelings, acknowledge them and let them to pass. If I stick with the rule of “do no harm” and adjust my words and actions accordingly then all will be okay.

Similarly, I struggle with the idea of this “game” reality and wanting to participate in it at all. This is when I am reminded of why I am here and am always humbled by it. Yet my mind wants to apply some significance to everything I do, to find something external as validation for my being here and experiencing what I am. The “me” mentality is working very hard to overshadow the “We”. It will not be allowed or tolerated, however.

There is also the continued lesson of non-attachment. The tendency of the “me” is to view non-attachment as detachment, but they are not the same thing. It is difficult to resolve the disconnected feeling as mentioned above because of this tendency. From the perspective of “We” there is a greater understanding of what is taking place, of the adjustments being made and the on-going shifting perspectives. I am being provided with continued tutelage through this often confusing process. As a precautionary measure much of this tutelage is being held in the subconscious for the time being until a time more befitting of its revealing is reached.

Nonetheless, there remains an awareness that the disconnected feeling will be short-lived and to remain vigilant. Mission first, personal desires/wants second. “We” first, “I” second. There is always provided peace and support within, all one needs to do is connect to their core to find it.

I am often reminded, also, to not be distracted. Distractions in this instance are in regard to my mission here. It is implicit in my instructions to remain focused on my path and remain neutral – to not be carried away by the 8 winds.

Worthy persons deserve to be called so

because they are not carried away by the eight winds:

prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor, praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure.

They are neither elated by prosperity nor grieved by decline.

The heavenly gods will surely protect one who is unbending before the eight winds.

                                                                                                                        Nichiren