I’ve entered a very quiet time again, one I’ve visited before in this life but this time it feels different. More permanent? Or maybe I’m moving towards permanence in this regard? When I say “quiet” I mean that my mind is more quiet, my body is more quiet and my life is definitely quieter. Some would call this “flow” or “acceptance” but for me, quiet feels more accurate.
The process of returning to the Quiet has been pretty obvious and quite simple compared to other instances. In the past, I entered such a phase after much turmoil, resistance and/or a Kundalini event that catapulted me into it. The obvious signs have been feeling a direction and decision from within that is decisive and Knowing, as if there is a sign pointing where I am headed and what will result. For so long I’ve wanted to feel a direction and I realize now that it has always been there, it just wasn’t what I thought and I resisted, thinking my path should look a certain way. This “certain way” was, of course, dependent upon what I saw around me, what I was taught and conditioned to believe, and perpetuated by this material-oriented world. Ultimately, the path I thought was for me, was not, never was nor will never be.
Where is the sign pointing? There are no words, just a feeling really but if I had to put it into words it would be, “This is the path to You.” The signposts are few, such a rarity that I often think I must be on the wrong path and so frequently, in my past and youth, I would take detours and have to have a course correction. Always, though, I ended up back on the right path. Never did I get from my guidance a scolding or judgement. The consistent message was, “There are no mistakes, just choices.” The only scolding and judgement I received came from within, a voice driven by perfection and a sense that I needed to be something other than what I am.
I’ve beem practicing creating my experiences. I’ve successfully navigated two dreaded dentist experiences, resulting in amazing calm and ease, but there are other smaller instances which are increasing in frequency. The simplest instances are via my choice of what to put my attention upon. For example, I have shifted from listening to music with words to music that is mostly instrumental. If there are words, they are few or contain repeated mantras. I find that listening to music with lyrics, especially music like I’ve always listened to in the past, shifts me out of present time, as music has always done for me. In the past I enjoyed visiting the memories that came to me, but now I recognize these memories do not serve my best interest and often pull me out of present time and into emotions and responses not conducive to my path.
The Quiet describes the state of my mind for the most part. It is surprising how quiet it is up there. A part of me struggles with this silence because she thinks it abnormal, and it is based upon the experiences we’ve had up to this point. Habitual, almost constant internal dialogue has been the norm, but this dialogue drowns out the voice within.
Overall, I feel less stressed out, more calm and less worried about things that have no consequence. The voice within fills me with trust and acceptance, something that allows me to flow with life rather than against it.
The voice asks me to consider what I wish to create. This is not new. I have heard, “What do you want” so frequently that hearing it often causes me to energetically retract for lack of knowing what it is I want. But when I feel into the question, I realize it is asking me “What do you want to create?”, and I recognize that all this time I’ve misunderstood what my guides were asking. Somehow, after almost two decades of hearing this question, it’s finally been received properly.
The voice has led me to meditate almost nightly. Pranayama – breathwork – has been the main type. Sitting upright rather than laying down has been the most beneficial. I get so relaxed at times that I end up startled by changes in the music or shifts in energy. Sometimes I don’t even notice the music or meditation has ended. lol But what’s the most wonderful is the moving energy up and down my spine that spreads like warm arms around me. It says, always, “You are not alone. You are loved.”
Despite the quiet and the ever present voice within, my dreams indicate some changes coming that are premonitory in nature. It feels like a path is coming into focus, not only for the U.S. but the world as a whole. Though I don’t want to alarm anyone, this path doesn’t look that great, but rather than worry about it, I choose to think of it as a “potentiality”. I write down my dreams and then put them out of my mind. I know that if there is something I need to do, it will be Known.
Gratitude is another piece of the quiet. I feel it frequently. And it seems that this life wants to shower me with abundance. So much so that I am left unsure what to do with it all. I realize I have everything I ever wanted, all I need and then some. So much of my life has been spent worrying about having enough and now I have more than enough. I am reminded of what my guidance has said many times, “You will always have enough.” And so true it is!
And even as I am trying to get accustomed to this new way of life, more abundance is on the horizon. I can see it. Part of me wants to reject it, to create problems and resist what I have been given. This is part of my programming though and is not mine. It mostly comes from my mother and grandparents. And it is clear that I have become much like my mother despite not being anything like her. It is time to peel off that mask and become the me who has been hiding underneath. The pessimism is not me. The distrust of others is not me. The introversion is not me. These are things I became as a result of conditioning. These are my Not-Self. At the core of my Being is an optimistic visionary. Ha! Who’d have thought?
So the voice and the quiet is showing me that I am gathering resources and preparing for what lies ahead. The “gathering” is not just physical resources, though that is also part of it. The term “gathering” comes with a visual of pulling expansive energy into myself, like I am a gravitational force – the sun at the center of a universe – pulling towards me what I need. There is really nothing I have to physically “do” for this to happen. There is no action involved except openness to receive. “What do I want to create? What do I want to feel?” These are the questions I meditate upon. These are the questions that guide me.