Loving Too Much

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. I apologize for that but there was too much going on. I’ve run through a gamut of emotions in the last couple of months. The confusion and overwhelm were just too much for me to express in words. It was advised that I immerse myself in this  (3D) life, so I have been, though not without difficulty.

My guidance has been steadily with me, encouraging, insightful, supportive, patient and loving. From the beginning their message was that clarity would come. “It will all be clear soon”, they told me. I didn’t believe them or care. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted out; away from what I was feeling.

This morning I had a dream that revealed the purpose of it all and I awoke with clarity and understanding. I am far from complete understanding, but at least I can see the Light now. You have no idea the amount of relief I feel right now.

Dream: Empathic Overload

In the dream I was communicating with my mother who was taking my younger sister to the doctor. I asked her questions and she kept avoiding me. When she arrived without my sister I asked her how she could leave her behind and nagged her until she answered. She finally told me they had gone to the doctor, paid $130 only to find out that she was autistic and there was really nothing that could be done about it. Her frustration and anger grew as she spoke about the diagnosis. Specifically, there was an indicator my sister had that could be quite volatile.

As I listened to my mom go on and on about the diagnosis I began to feel everything she was feeling. My heart began to hurt and I became distraught. All of the emotion my mom had became mine along with my own and they mixed together to cause great confusion and upset. Mainly, I was upset because I could not stop her pain and could do nothing to make either of us feel better. My heart felt to be burning a hole through my chest and the pain was unbearable. I began to sob heaving sobs and I heard a whisper repeat, “Death. Death. Death.”

I awoke in tears with my heart still hurting. But unlike the other times when I have awakened from similar incidents of empathic overload such as this, there was clarity and understanding.

Rejection of Self

I Remembered so much all at once. Sudden clarity, like an inrush of pure Knowingness. The first thought I had was, “I’m an emotion barometer.” The memory of this was pure pain, excruciating pain beyond my ability to describe. Even as I lay there awake it was tangible, the memories of what I experienced as a child flooding my Beingness.

The dream was just a tiny piece of what my childhood experience was, though most of it I had forgotten. I stuffed the pain away, deep down where it couldn’t affect me. New to this physical world, inexperienced, unable to understand the emotions I was feeling, with no support or solid foundation upon which to stand, I crumbled. I could see why I reacted the way I did – with anger, rejection of love, rejection of others, rejection of all extreme emotion, rejection of myself. It was the only way I could protect myself from what I perceived as an impossible and painful situation. There was no solution to it. Even as I reexperienced the feelings I felt that way. What do I do about it? How do I make it stop? How do I make it go away? There seemed no solution. That left two options: Run away or hide. And as I felt it all over again I saw that I chose to hide because, well, as a child I couldn’t run anywhere and survive. I needed my parents.

How does one hide from feelings, from their own heart and innate empathic ability? They shut down their heart allowing in only those emotions that are “safe”. They cope as best they can. But in shutting down to protect myself from all the unwanted feelings, I shut off all the good feelings, too. I became dead to both. All that was left was numbness and a lingering anger. A really nasty anger.

I saw also how all of it could have been avoided. All I needed back then was support and love. Unconditional love and acceptance. Patience and steady guidance. Did I get any of that? Ha! No. I was alone and had to figure it out all by myself.

I’m an empath but until this morning I didn’t really understand that. My true Self, true nature, has been so hidden from me (by me), that I have been horribly numb to life and experience.

That’s when I saw it. That feeling that I have lived with all.my.life. An indescribable pain and loneliness that never goes away. It makes me feel separate from everyone. It makes me feel like an alien in this world. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me, like there is no one on this planet who will ever understand me or ever truly know me.

A few weeks ago I spotted the feeling. Again, indescribable but it made me want to run away. How do you run away from something you can’t pinpoint? How do you run away from the unknown? Death. At least to me that seems like the only option.

So I’ve been running from an indescribable feeling all my life. What I realized this morning, though, was that that very feeling is the encapsulation of me. That feeling is and always has been the answer to my misery.

Empathy = Survival

I asked my guidance, “What is wrong with me?”

“There is nothing wrong with you. You are just as you should be.”

“Why is this happening to me?”

With this question I both felt and heard the answer. With the verbal response of, “It is the only way to save Humanity from destroying itself,” I also knew that what I am experiencing now, who I am and always have been, is what humanity needs to survive. The species is self-destructing because they cannot feel each other. But, that is changing.

I responded with, “Many will die.” I got confirmation. I know why they will die, too. If everyone feels what I felt this morning, what I felt growing up every day, what I try desperately to NOT feel (and fail miserably at), they will self-destruct if they can’t process it somehow, if they don’t feel they can do something about it.

And that is my main question: What do I do about it? Obviously running or hiding from it won’t work. My guidance didn’t give me a direct answer. They just told me, “We will help you”.

With that I was reminded of something. Just this last week I had encounters with several who were referred to me because they were breaking down in class, sobbing uncontrollably for seemingly no reason. After speaking with these children, who responded to the question, “Why were you crying?” with “I don’t know. I just feel too much,” it was obvious to me that they were overwhelmed by the energy and emotion of those around them.

With this memory I saw the answer may already be right in front of me. Rather than labeling these children and categorizing them as somehow abnormal, forcing them to hide from themselves like I did, maybe we should be looking to them as examples of the new normal? With the rate of autism on the rise, I think before long we are going to have to do this eventually or else be forced to. Humanity is changing. Fast.

What do these children need? Unconditional love, empathy, acceptance, support, patience. They need guidance from others who recognize their innate empathic and telepathic abilities. These children sense everything more. They have great potential if given the support they need. That means responding to them from the heart with few words. Words will be lost to them anyway for they will see past them to the Truth. They are very beautiful souls.

What does this mean for those of us (like me) who have been here living undercover with our “curse” of empathy? It means we need to figure out how to be ourselves quick so we can be available to help all the new Hu-mans joining our ranks. We need to be ready to defend them, to keep them safe, so that they are not over-medicated into submission and forced to live life undercover, numb like we were. What a terrible loss and waste that would be.

Heart Connection

It is also becoming clear to me why I had to have a strong heart connection with another person. I had to feel to the extreme. Extreme in both directions. It was the only way to tear down the massive walls around my heart. Walls I built to “protect” mySelf. Walls that were/are smothering me to death.

It was the only way to reveal some deeply, hidden, “scary” stuff. It was the only was to uncover the death-wish I’ve had my entire life. Death. Death. Death. Yucky stuff.

It was the only way to bring back to me an aspect of myself (walk-in) which broke away a very, very long time ago.

So Who Am I?

I’m an example of the emerging new Hu-man. The beginning stages of what will ultimately be a telepathic, empathic, loving and compassionate species.

What is happening to me now, the deconstruction and reconstruction of Self, the integration of all parts/aspects into the Whole, is happening to the Earth herself and to every inhabitant. The heart-centered, truly empathic individual cannot hide from what they feel and experience. It will destroy them if they do.

My guidance said to me this morning, “Nothing is wrong with you. You are beautiful, extraordinary, love in form.” It made me cry but I didn’t squirm or reject what I heard. I embraced it. It reminded of something I have been told since my awakening back in 2003. I heard it over and over again: “You love too much.” I never quite fully understood it until now. Yeah, I love too much and I am damn proud of it. 🙂