As time passes and I integrate more fully into this life and body it is, the difficulty surrounding what I signed up for is becoming more and more obvious. The following dreams provide insight into the challenges I face.

Dream: Water Spider

Met with a group of people at a car. Only one man was there and I wondered where everyone else was. He said there was someone in the car. I looked but it was hard to see anyone in there but there was woman sitting in the passenger seat. We went to a pond and I eagerly cast my line but got tons of pond weed. The whole time I felt my “family” was there with me, specifically my mom and youngest son.

I opted to walk up the right side of the pond. It was rocky with large, round boulders. On the other side I could see a stream also lined with boulders. The water was crystal clear. Beneath the water were all kinds of fish (insight). Excited to try my luck I grabbed my rod and attempted to cast down into the water even though it was very far beneath me. My line didn’t budge and I soon noticed it was wrapped around the rod so horribly knotted that I could not fix it (confusion in waking life; things getting in the way). I handed the rod to my mom to have her fix it as I climbed down toward the clear water. Eventually she handed me another rod but it was a bamboo one with a cork on the end. I said it would not work.

My son (masculine aspect) was with me and he cast in and something heavy was on his line as he reeled in. My mom said, “It’s a water spider!” I was thinking it odd that a water (emotion) spider (spiritual aspect) would be so big so looked and sure enough there was a large, gelatinous looking spider on the end. It was white and looked more like an octopus (entangled in difficult matter) than a spider. Baby ones were pouring out from the bottom of it and crawling back into the water. I exclaimed, “Look! It has babies!” We did not want to keep the water spider so we worked hard to release it back into the water.

Glowing Octopus | Flickr - Photo Sharing!

Dream: Elderly Woman’s Home

In this dream I was visiting an elderly woman’s (aspect of self) home with some other women. There is interaction I can’t recall completely here. Some included spot cleaning the tile floor (cleansing and renewal) and taking photos (memories) of us laying on a bed (private self) of lavender colored flowers (peace, reflection). I remember watching the old woman demonstrate how she spot cleaned the tile and how difficult it was for her to bend over to do it (physical limitations). She could barely get on her hands and knees. I gladly helped her and just bent over to spot clean.

I recall a section of this dream that doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of my memory of it. I’m not sure if it happened before or during or at the same time as the rest of the dream. I am outside a house (present self/body) with my old boss. She is handing me the keys (access) to the house and we are discussing my job. I remember being told what to do. One of my assignments was to inspect the work vehicles’ (life path) fuel (energy, motivation) and I had to do it at a certain time every day. I said I would be happy to do so and that it fit well with the meetings I knew the administrator had. When I am asked again if I want the job I say, “Yes, it gives me autonomy which is exactly what I want.” In my mind I am pleased and visualizing being left alone to do my job.

Back to the dream – I also remember reaching up to grab her camera and seeing a photo of a family (memories) – my family with my husband and children – on the display. I remembered the photo had been lost (lost memory) somehow and when I attempted to make a copy (recreate) of it, the camera display changed and I could not retrieve the photo. Eventually I felt I had done something wrong, broken the old woman’s camera or worse, so put it back quietly and left it there on the shelf (concerns that I cannot fill the shoes of the walk-out).

Then I was inside the old woman’s bedroom (private self) helping her to get organized. Inside the room I saw things I recognized and knew were not the old woman’s things. I commented saying, “Did the house come with the furniture and the belongings of the past owner?” The old woman said it had (recognizing walk-out’s issues). I pointed out the flowered sheets on her bed and pointed out some other things as proof. It felt like the past occupant had not wanted any of her things and the old woman just took them over as her own.

The focus then shifted to the bed (private self). Another woman was helping the old woman put sections of it together. The bed was divided into two sections – the headboard section and the rest of the bed (foot and middle section). The headboard had about four feet of mattress attached to it with its own bedding that matched the other section. I commented that it was odd saying, “I have never seen a bed like that! How do you sleep in it?”

Then I noticed the bed was actually in three sections – head, middle and foot. It was very odd to me that it was in so many pieces (indication of fragmentation).

As I looked around I inspected a shelf with items on it. There were children’s things – toys and random objects that didn’t make sense to keep (walk-out’s attachment to her children). I saw a deck of math cards (logic) and thought that the woman’s grandchildren must come visit sometimes. There was a sense that the woman was trying to hold onto memories of her family and her younger years. A sadness came over me. A few tears escaped my eyes and I wondered, “What is the point? Why repeat this cycle when it just ends in loneliness and sadness?”


I woke up as I heard myself thinking, “The first dream was from the masculine point of view. The second from the feminine.”

I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t so I lingered in bed another hour. The feeling I had was of despair toward the cycle of human life and the pointlessness of it all. It also seemed like the bed and house of the older woman represented the walk-out and the things (memories) she left behind. I remember being told that I (as the walk-in) was selected based upon my experience for this “job”. I accepted this without question.

The old woman (walk-out) was a sad sight to me. I felt sorry for her and am not wanting to be her. I remember hearing as both my guidance and myself (one merged voice), “You don’t want to grow old.” In my mind the time left in this life spanned out in front of me like a slow, torturous, winding road that seemed never to end. I saw all the “rules” that went along with it and how difficult it would be to navigate this life with them in place, so rigid and unbending. The excitement I once felt at the prospect of living to be sucked out of me. I again thought, “How can they go through it (the cycle of life) over and over again like that? I don’t want to do this again.” I heard back, “We know.”

Specifically, I am disturbed by the practices of humanity regarding relationships, mating (sex/reproduction), children and family. All are very obvious to me because I am living it every day. But there is also the disturbing truth about the human biological body and how humans do not know how to manage it so that it survives as it is intended to, using the body up without taking care of it so that decades of use are lost and an early, degrading of the physical vessel results. The body could last three times longer than it is but humans don’t maintain it properly. Note: I’ve actually written a whole post on this topic that I might post later.

I see in my memory how to maintain the human body so that it lives/lasts longer. All the changes necessary are impossible (it seems) to institute in the reality that exists now. Humanity would have to live so differently, with more connection to the Earth and each other, less stress (physically and emotionally), and more focus on maintaining the physical body (daily practices).

There is memory of what human life is meant to be and it contrasts greatly with the reality in which I am placed. I struggle with how to reconcile the two realities – the one I brought with me in Memory and the one that this reality presents to me. How do I bring forth into this reality the other reality? Can I? I realize doing so will not be easy.


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1 Response to Difficulty

  1. Very interesting post. Although I am not a walk-in, I have that same sense of reconciling how it should be and how it is. I have felt that way since I was a little girl. Seems like such a long slow journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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