I continue to have instances of “on-the-job training” throughout my waking (and sleeping) life experience. The main difference between now and before the walk-out is my complete acceptance of the information and mentorship coming from my Companion. This mentorship comes in so many ways and is so varied that any one example won’t do the others justice. Each “class” comes in the moment, which translates into a teachable moment.
An example that comes to mind most recently is from last night. Backstory – I have been working on the challenge that is my marriage for some time. In the Knowing transferred to me by my Companion, I recognize much of our marital issues stem from some very deep-seated patterns that I carry. Most are connected to fear of men and thus a resistance to them and lack of trust in them. I can totally understand this based upon the memories I have recovered from previous lives and my current one. However, the understanding does not replace the actual patterned responses. I need help doing that.
So, last night my husband comes in to bed and lays next to me, snuggling close. I immediately ridge up. I am watching a video on my laptop and shut it off and ask him to give me ten minutes because I want to watch it alone. He doesn’t move, which is normal. I sit there, uncomfortable, still ridged up, when a thought comes to me, “Why can’t you watch the video with him there?” and another, “Relax. He’s not going to hurt you.” I respond immediately and some of my resistance melts away. I turn on the video and finish watching it, allowing my husband to lay there and trace the contours of my arms with his fingers. He does this out of love and a wanting to be close but I immediately connect it to him wanting to have sex and thus I ridge up without a second thought. I hear, “Why not enjoy it?” I listen and close my eyes, allowing myself to enjoy the all-over-body tingles resulting from his light touch.
I listened to the video and notice I feel warm. I am being encouraged to allow my energy to mix with my husband’s. I don’t do this much, haven’t in a while. I don’t know why really.
When the video ends my husband doesn’t leave. I usually ask him to leave multiple times without success. This pattern has repeated countless times to the point of my feeling fearful and him angry. This time I question him being there and then stop there. I don’t really think much at all, which is unusual. Instead, I stand there for a moment and choose to lay down next to him, my back to him. I’m still being encouraged to relax and allow, so I am doing that and it is proving easier and easier. He continues to trace my arms with his fingertips and I relax into it.
After a while, I sit up on the edge of the bed. I knew I needed to decide what I was going to do. Was I going to create an upset by refusing intimacy of any kind with him? Or was I going to let myself enjoy his company and accept his love, no matter what form it comes in? I really didn’t think much on it. I chose the latter right away. In considering my choice now, I know the reason I chose it was that I was choosing love and a positive outcome over a negative one. I had lived the other choice enough to know the outcome would leave us both feeling bad. I didn’t want that.
Again I heard, “Relax. He won’t hurt you.” I briefly wondered if I really thought he would hurt me. If so, where did I get that idea from?
The more I allowed myself to be loved, the easier it got. The result was more closeness than I have allowed myself in a very long time.
Later, as I was mulling over the lesson, my Companion said to me, “It is human to want to be touched. Everyone desires it. Even you.” I recognized my block was the association of sex with touch, specifically male touch. I knew men had this association, too, but for me it was linked to very violent acts against me as both a woman and a small child. For me to be touched by a man triggers both karmic and cellular memories. Touch defined here is not casual touch, but intimate touch such as a lingering hug, snuggling, spooning, sensual touch, or just touch for longer than is normal.
Somehow I have to get passed the reactionary response I have to being touched by a man, allow it and accept it as normal and natural.
Another lesson I am learning is “listening” to the intent (energy) of another rather than their words. Recently I spontaneously invited my SIL to come workout with me at the gym. My husband told me days before that she had mentioned being interested in working out with me but felt I was in too good of shape, comparing herself to me and saying she was “fat” many times. I let it sit for a while and then out of the blue mentioned I would love to work out with her. She immediately voiced her insecurities and I told her I had no such considerations about her. She then said she was going to the gym right then and asked me to go along. I said yes, she got me a pass to her gym, and off we went.
While in the gym I listened to her and noticed I said a lot less than I would normally. My thoughts were less self-centered and more other-centered. Her energy said, “I want your help but I don’t know how to ask you for it.” What she said was mixed as well. Sometimes she seemed to want my help and other times not so much. I didn’t let either affect me. I did my thing, offered help if she wanted it, and took no insult to her rejection of it. Eventually she did say, “Okay, show me” and her energy indicated she was ready.
Overall, we had a great workout and I left feeling calm and centered, though a bit tired. I invited her to workout more with me but she has yet to communicate anything. So I sent her some links and left it at that.
Another interesting thing that is happening is I am having dreams where I am meeting up with online friends, mostly males. In the dreams I sense their curiosity and that they are looking for something. It causes me concern and I ask my Companion about it. He always reassures me it is normal and not to worry and he is always right. In considering it further, I realize this connection is purposeful and that the time has come for me to expand and accept connections for what they are. These connections are part of the plan for the new Earth and nothing to be feared. This plan involves a full telepathic society, one where all thoughts of one are shared by all. Nothing can be hidden and nothing will be. This will allow for more transparency. ~ Transparency and the Shift
For the time being I am unable to fully process this Knowing of what others’ intentions are as my tendency is reactionary. This is the usual method of the self (Ego). I am learning now to observe the reaction of the self but not succumb to it or, better yet, believe it and allow it to morph into some other false feeling – fear, anger, etc. The self would view the “curiosity” of a friend via the astral as an intention for more than a friendship which may further expand into another major heart connection and/or something else. This in turn causes an instant panic and fear. But the Self views it only as the curiosity it is. The desire to want to understand a connection that is there. It understands such connections are always going to be there if the individuals involved are ready to acknowledge them. The Self understands it has the ability to be at cause rather than the effect and if such a curiosity does expand to something else, the Self recognizes its ability to handle it with love and compassion.
The fact is, I am moving into full heart-centeredness and in this shift others will be automatically drawn to me. I am not saying this to be egocentric. If anything the opposite. It is what it is. I am noticing it in my waking life as well as in my dreams.
For example, last Wednesday I was at the orthodontist with my daughter, we were there way past closing while my daughter got her braces. All the employees were there and I began to talk to them openly about my sister and her TLC drama. Before long, all of them were talking and sharing. In the end, I was being held there by the orthodontist himself as he shared a very personal story with me. He went as far as to reach out and put his hand on my shoulder and gently hold me there. Then he reassured me, “You are not alone.” The energy from him was inviting and I felt from him an acceptance of me as his equal when before he had always felt distant. Sadly, I withdrew from it because I felt from him that “curiosity” and shrunk from it. A work in progress.
Afterward, we went to the grocery store and it seemed everyone was talking to me, extending their energy toward me and just being generally inviting. It was like that day I had a sign on me that said, “Talk to me. Get close to me. Love me.” lol
Another lesson that is on-going is fully accepting my role as mother and caretaker to my family, home and children. I recall one day as I was cleaning off the table for the umpteenth time thinking briefly, “This is never going to end.” But the normal irritation with it and wish for a change to something more exciting was absent. Instead I thought, “This is my job.” I suddenly viewed cleaning up after my children, doing housework, making dinner, doing homework, reading, playing, etc – all of it was my job. There was not resistance to it. In fact, there was a sort of joy in it which previously was difficult to contact. All this came in an instant and my mind went directly back to the business of being a mother.
All-in-all this is my viewpoint all the time now. I wish you could hear the old me’s thoughts versus the new me. Like night and day. The old me would carry around this resentment for the present moment. She would resist routine and very seldom found joy in the little things. For example, happy baby making a mess was only “a mess” I had to clean up. Now it is “happy baby” and the mess is just “my job” – an afterthought.
I’m so much happier because of it and so grateful for this change which seems to be coming from me without me having to work at it. Miraculous.