I’ve not written much on the soul exchange lately because I have not been clear on what exactly is occurring. For the past three mornings, though, I have awakened in a very different personage than when I went to bed.
This morning I experienced it yet again but recognized what was going on with much more clarity. I had been having a dream where I was a supervisor at a school. I began walking through the hallway and heard a woman talking to a child. I couldn’t see them, though, there was a barrier in front of where I perceived them to be. I heard the woman say to the child, “I am not your biological mother so I cannot call you my genetic child. Your grandfather cannot claim you as you do not share the same blood. But we love you just the same.” Then the woman began to sing to the child and in her words she was pleading with the child to let them help her. I can’t recall the whole song but I do remember she mentioned limiting beliefs and being held back. The last part she sang was, “Dry your tears. Release your fears. Come fly with me.”
I woke up suddenly from the dream and was hit with tons of emotion straight to my chest. My heart lit up and I burst into tears. I felt to be the child the woman was singing to. I was the one who was being encouraged to fly. As that child I said to the woman and to the group of guides I felt surrounding me, “I’m just soooooo sad.”
I felt completely devastated by the sadness and cried for some time. My guidance was saying to me, “Remember what we practiced. You know what to do.” This triggered more grief and tears. I KNEW what they were talking about but I didn’t want to know and pushed it away. They repeated, “We practiced this. You know what to do. We believe in you.”
I replied, “I can’t. I don’t want to. I’m not ready. I’m sooooo sad. I can’t do it.”
I noticed the grief was triggering my heart chakra and though I tried to ignore it, it was blazing. I hadn’t felt any energy sensations in a while, so it pulled me out of the in-between.
I began to calm down and felt more like myself. I attempted to return to sleep because it was early – 5:30am but songs kept coming to my mind. I heard the chorus,”I wanna know what love is” a couple of times.
After I acknowledged it the song disappeared and I began to get ideas along with a Knowing of what I wanted to do. This came with a song chorus almost as confirmation. I heard merely, “Come with me now” over and over. Once I recognized that song, it passed as well.
So what was it that I knew I should do? I saw myself in Mt. Shasta again but this time for the entire summer. The feeling was that I need to heal and to do that properly I need to be in an environment where I can easily find space and time for myself.
Since the feeling I had upon waking was so strong, I spoke with my husband about it even before I got confirmation that it was possible. He agreed I could go, which surprised me. What is strange about this is that I had not been feeling a draw to Shasta and had decided not to go this year because my husband had told me no way. Yet for some reason this morning everything completely shifted.
So what is going on? I’ve been going through an intense healing/purging since November and so am still exhausted and extremely sad. Though the sadness is not noticeable most of the time, for some reason lately it is really strong in the evenings and right upon waking. It comes with fear, like the kind of fear one gets when they are about to get on a giant rollercoaster ride for the first time. They try to back down but someone bars the way and they are stuck there, staring at the ride knowing there is only one direction they can go and it involves getting into the ride. I can contact the feelings even now as I write this. It is reminiscent of my childhood, when something really bad would happen and I would crawl into a corner and hide and cry. I don’t feel strong enough or brave enough to do what needs to be done so I just curl up in a ball and cry.
Basically I am in shock and feel traumatized, like I have PTSD or something.
So is this the walk-in or walk-out speaking? The walk-out is gone. She has been for a while. And I am still trying to adapt and not doing very well (in my opinion). The most prominent feeling I have right now is that I have been abandoned by my family and those that I love and am here all alone and I don’t want to go through this alone. Yet at the same time I have this drive to do things, my work I guess, and it keeps me focused and sane. It is very confusing and complicated and I don’t really want to confront any of it or any of what I need to do.
Maybe Mt. Shasta will help me adjust and come back to myself. Just thinking of living beneath those mountains makes me want to cry happy tears.