Another experience to share. 🙂
Last night while doing one of my favorite Yoga practices where I “surrender into self-love” I was greeted with the memory of a brief lucid experience from earlier that morning. During the experience I re-visited my childhood home where I spent the first 9 years of my life. As the memory came flooding into present time, the tears once again flowed. Considering I was already very stuffed up from my head cold, this made it impossible to breathe (lol) but I allowed it nonetheless for it was a clearing I needed to witness.
I remembered my early years then and it was quite surprising how in childhood one tends to respond from a more instinctual, reactive place. The inability to process experience, specifically the emotional aspects, presents a barrier and the Ego kicks in taking over in an attempt to mediate unpleasant experiences. I saw how this experience was purposeful for the development of Self, perpetuated by the immaturity in body, mind and Spirit that comes with entrance into physical reality.
When I saw the me that once was, there was a feeling that she would somehow be lost soon, that she was slipping away. I asked my guidance, “What will happen to her?” The reply was, “She is you.” I still worried. There was a love and a wistfulness to retain what she was in that time; to retain that part of myself despite her childish theatrics. The innocence she represented was pure and perfect and a part of myself I longed to return to.
I asked again, “What will happen to her?” Again I heard in response, “She is you.” With this I recognized she would be fully integrated into the Whole, as are all the fractured parts. It is hard to understand how this will be experienced, though. At least now when I see her I love her and want to bring forth her positive attributes in myself. This is in contrast to viewing her as a dysfunctional, selfish and demanding pain in the butt. lol
Later, as I did my nightly meditation, there was a strange sense that came over me. Maybe recognition is a better word. A friend had recently commented that I had visited her dreams the night before and had seemed different somehow but that it was very comforting to her. I knew what she was describing is the calmness that my guidance has been commenting on for many weeks now. They tell me, “You have changed. You are calmer.” The memory of all of this seemed to act as confirmation that I was now recognizing this change in myself, a very real change manifesting slowly but in obvious ways.
In that moment I knew that my attachments here in physicality where disintegrating one by one, little by little. It resulted in a disconnected feeling but rather than that disconnection seeming scary or unreal, it felt comforting. As a result, physical experience feels fleeting and momentary, as if all of it is a dream that at any time I can disengage from. With this feeling I realize that not only can I disengage but I can extricate myself from this physical experience at anytime. This is an ability we all have yet we have somehow forgotten it. More accurately, it is inhibited by our over attachment to the body and all that goes along with this physical experience.
I was reminded of both my grandparents’ deaths. Both of them held on for much longer than they wished to be here despite their bodies being full of pain and physical degradation. Both ended up dying via refusal to eat or drink, a long and painful process. All the while they could have saved themselves and their families so much pain if they had realized the only thing keeping them in their bodies was their attachment to it and to all that went with it.
I do not fear death nor do I fear life or the pain and upset that invariably comes with it. Months ago the idea of certain paths I could take brought fear and resistance. Now those same paths incite no reaction. Similarly, certain relationships with others created a clinging type of response based upon an illogical fear. Now I do not seem to care one way or the other.
Like I have been saying to my husband for some time now, “I just don’t care anymore.” This was in response to my continuing to forget to pay bills or stay on top of mundane responsibilities that use to clutter up my mind and emotions. No more. It just is not worth it. If it does not make me feel good, then I push it out of my mind or don’t do it.
I can see how all of this is preparing me to follow my heart. I’m dropping those things that don’t resonate and it is freeing me up to be a happier, calmer version of myself.