The period of intense healing and restoration I have been in seems to be winding down and the Kundalini is taking it’s place.
What I am about to write is very personal in a physical and sexual way. My intention is only to inform, not to arouse or to entertain in the sexual sense. Honesty is my policy and being this process requires one to be honest with themselves and others and that my mission is to inform and teach, then I believe sharing my experiences in this way is best.
For a while now my sleep has been deep and near dreamless with the few dreams I have only retained by request and some disappearing upon inspection. A couple of nights ago I was awakened suddenly at 11am from a deep, dreamless sleep by a very intense explosion in my root chakra (orgasm). I have been intentionally abstaining from sex for a while now but it seems my body has other ideas. There was no dream preceding this experience. In fact, I had absolutely no memory whatsoever of the time prior and was disoriented upon waking. I returned to sleep almost immediately but my second chakra felt raw and sore like it did after childbirth.
That same night we had company staying over – my brother and sister-in-law. They just left Los Angeles, CA and will be settling down in a new location after they do some traveling together. So the next morning (yesterday) I had to play host until they left. Then I spent most of the day feeling a bit “off” and just wanting to zone out. Of course, I couldn’t because I am a mother after all which keeps me very busy.
At some point during the middle of the day I settled down to some “me” time only to find myself feeling very sexual. My spiritual counterpart (Companion) has been very close for the last few days and was at that time as well. There is and has been for some time and encouragement to re-familiarize myself with my physical body. This has come in the form of guided Tantra sessions as well as being led to explore Tao Tantra and begin a Tantric egg practice. To make a long story short, I was once again led to explore my body and recognized a difference straight away. My physical body is connected in ways it never has been (to my memory). When before sexual arousal was mainly associated with the sexual organs (root chakra), now it extends to other areas, areas it should have been associated with previously but could not be because of disconnected circuits in my energy body. It is not that my physical body did not respond in the past, it just did not do so in such a connected, flowing and seamless way. The way it is suppose to. With all of this I felt genuinely enamored of my physical body and fascinated by the marvelous creation that it is.
Afterward my second chakra was sore and raw feeling again and it remained so for several hours. Despite this, I felt elated and “different” for lack of a better description. I felt very much as if the Kundalini were stirring yet at the time this was not recognized. Instead I felt to be bathed in a sexual “afterglow” type of sensation. For me, this feeling is not usual and to this day I am certain I have never experienced it to the extent that I did yesterday.
Eventually the feeling did fade and my evening continued as normal. By bedtime I was tired but could not sleep. So I decided to read for a while. Currently, I am reading Worldbridger. I may comment on it at a later date.
Eventually I was able to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
The next thing I recall is being in a semi-lucid dream at an airport preparing to board a plane. The ticket agent was taking our tickets and I presented him with mine. He requested my ID and I said, “Oh yeah, you need to see my ID. I misplaced mine after my last two connecting flights.” I fumbled for mine, dropped it and picked it up, handing it to the agent. I saw my photo on it but the ID was made of paper that had been folded so much it was deeply creased. It was a temporary ID. The image on the ID was of a dark haired female but I did not look very closely at it. The agent checked it and allowed me to board the plane.
I boarded the plane with a male companion that I could not see but felt. This part of the dream was strange because all visuals disappeared. What was left in my memory is an energetic dance swirling in and out and around the central area of my energy body forming an energetic infinity symbol that varied in color depending on proximity to the chakras.
The point where the two circles intersected was at the center (sushumna). The two energies were the Ida (feminine) and Pingula (masculine).
The Ida and the Pingula form criss-crossing channels, travelling upwards in a serpentine like manner from left to right and crossing at each of the 7 chakras. As the Ida and Pingula cross the central line and meet with the sushumna in the center, they give the chakra its characteristic spin – that is, it creates at that level the vortex of energy associated with each chakra. Source
While this energetic dance commenced, there was a discussion occurring. All I remember of the conversation was that I heard the word “Bulimia” but it confused me and I continued to ask questions, asking how to spell it and saying it over and over in my mind as I tried to make sense of what we were talking about.
Eventually, I became acutely aware of my Companion behind me. It felt very physically real except without the typical sensation of arms wrapped around me or human form. Instead I perceived only energy and it wrapped around me completely, seeming to seamlessly interlace with my own. I heard my Companion whisper to me, “No”. When I heard this it was already too late and I was losing my breath, taking huge intakes of air as if I could not breathe. It was not, however, in response to feeling suffocated, but rather to suddenly realizing what was happening and feeling the ecstatic rise of potent Life Force. It is such a distinct feeling of Divinity that it often becomes too much to ignore leading me to focus on it when I should just allow it. This is why my Companion said, “No” and the purpose of our conversation was to focus the mind on something else so as to not focus on the energy and accompanying ecstasy.
Waking up in the midst of the amazing feeling, I lingered for some time encapsulated in total bliss. It had been so long! All I want to do is completely surrender myself to it, to let it overtake me entirely.
It was 3am.
Conversation with My Companion
Once I was recovered my Companion began to communicate with me. He was still very close. Energetically it felt as if were linked permanently, his energy interlaced with my own around the left side of my middle back (kidney area).
He told me, “We are very close (both meanings implied).” Then he said, “We have one chance to do this. This lifetime is it.” There was so much more but those were the sentences he spoke which remain most ingrained in my memory.
He went on to explain that if I so choose, the process of Unification (embodiment, Wholeness, whatever term you use) can be sped up. However, he warned me there would be some “physical side effects” if I chose this route. I asked if they would be life threatening and he said, “Possibly.” The area that would be most affected was my chest. The physical vehicle, he explained, was not adequately prepared to hold the vast amount of energy that would surge through it. Until it was, physical imbalance would result in those areas not yet cleared to hold it.
He gave me, then, the example of what occurred when my physical counterpart and I met. The meeting resulted in many side-effects, not all physical and all the result of too much energy too soon and for a prolonged period of time. What areas were most affected by this meeting? My entire endocrine system, specifically resulting in major hormonal and metabolic imbalance, and a disruption in my emotional body.
Of course, I was thinking, “That experience wasn’t so bad. I may want to take the fast route…” lol How quickly one forgets difficult experiences when immersed in Divine ecstasy! In reality, the physical side-effects were not major. It was the emotional ones I would rather not revisit. Yet even with this consideration I feel the urgency of this crucial step. It bypasses all considerations of pain and misery that come to the surface of my mind. My Companion’s encouragement was not missed here. He believes We can withstand the potential side-effects and once complete Union has occurred “new life” will be had.
Though I am not completely clear about the meaning or experience of “new life” it is a deep resonating desire from within that calls me to pursue this path. I have absolutely no mental picture of what that path looks like, where it leads or how it will change me except to know that it is why I incarnated and has to do with a much bigger, collaborative mission.
So much information was received. Instant Knowing that always accompanies these profound Union experiences. This process I am undergoing – counterpart drama included – is all part of the embodiment process. My Companion told me that this is the one life where we get to both be in a physical body together – the same physical body. My understanding of it is incomplete at this time. I feel I will not fully embrace the profundity of it until I have experienced it. Even then it may be beyond my ability to fully comprehend. But in my memory came something I was told/shown in my early years of awakening ( around 2004). I was shown a Venn Diagram, but I now know it was a Vesica Piscis. The two circles were intersected evenly. The way I understood it at the time was that one side represented the me (consciousness) and the other him/Counterpart the (subconscious). I was told then that the two sides would eventually overlap to the point where all that remained was a full circle, the two halves becoming One. In recognizing now the true meaning of the message I understand that even way back then I was being prepared for Union. Yet I was too inexperienced, to naive to really understand what I was being told/shown.
Now I understand that I must “rise” up to meet him as he “descends” toward me. Ascend and descend simultaneously. Bridging worlds.
There is also a memory from the experience that continues to press forward. It is simply that there were not just two energies “dancing” to create the Divine bliss I experienced, but three. The understanding of this is incomplete but I know invariably it is connected to the above memory and the Vesica Piscis.
I also recognized upon waking the purpose of the word “bulimia”. I understood immediately the implications of it. I said to my Companion, “We have come full circle.” In this I was recalling what occurred when he first entered into my life back in 2003. We worked steadfastly on my issues, in order of importance at that time. The very first one was my bulimia. He would not let me purge, seeming to overwhelm my thoughts and pushing me to look for the true source of the bad habit I had taken on. It was not long before the habit was completely abandoned by teaching myself to replace the bad habit with good ones but never fully understanding why I fell into such a destructive pattern.
This morning I saw clearly the hole in my very Being that I was seeking to fill. The many fractures of Self that made it impossible for me to feel complete. The feeling of lack that has been with me from the moment I took my first breath was impossible to fill.
I recalled the conversations I had with myself as a teenager (a full decade before my awakening and meeting of my Counterpart). Somehow I felt there was a certain someone out there who I was waiting for. I called him, “the One”, and I cried many tears over his absence and the empty space in mySelf that resulted. I was told that I would not meet him until my 30’s and despaired. That was forever to a teenager and I would be “old” on top of that. LOL There was an agreement made at that time to both appease me (so I wouldn’t be alone) and help another. I would meet someone and marry. And thus my first marriage was contracted.
But the lack never went away and my misery escalated as I attempted to be someone I was not.
Even after my divorce I could not stop asking my guidance about “the One”. Where did I even get the idea that such a person existed? I have no idea. Yet it was all I could think of up until the day I met my current husband. I thought for sure he was “the One” when we met yet a part of me knew he was not.
And then, in the last year of my 30’s, I met my physical counterpart online and finally felt with certainty I had met “the One”. But since then I have realized “the One” is a misnomer. There is no “One”, no external person or thing that will fill that emptiness. The “One” is within. Part of me. Always accessible. Just forgotten. Torn from me by physical experience, fragmenting off and lost lifetime after lifetime.
But with this I also see that with a vertical alignment with my Counterpart, a horizontal one is also to occur. What does this mean? How does it look? At this point, I won’t speculate.
Finally, I was told that I would be “called” again soon and that I would have many “choices”. Lately I have received the message of “You have changed. You are so calm” in the dreamstate on several occasions. I am unsure as to why this is but I am certain it is purposeful.