I’ve been feeling emotionally mixed up lately. This only happens when I don’t keep myself busy. Painting, creating my oracle deck, attending to my children and other mundane chores and responsibilities overshadows the emotions, allowing me to be functional and “normal”. The moment I settle into some “me” time, the emotions resurface along with the accompanying thoughts. I know consciously only what my guidance has allowed me to know, which is very little – I’m processing the emotional content of the lower chakras and integrating with the body fully.
Yesterday was a rough one but it has been building for a few days now. It began with a visit to my sister’s house. She reached out to me and I responded, spending time with her and her son, allowing our children to play while we tried to rekindle the close relationship we lost back in 2005. The visit was preceded by several long phone conversations which wouldn’t have happened a few months ago. I have been reluctant to reconnect with her for various reasons despite an intuition that I should attempt re-connection. I had hoped to share with her some of my most private experiences but never got around to it. I’m glad now I didn’t. She asked me for money yesterday, quite a large amount, which has been her pattern since 2010. Her and her husband do this to anyone close to them and once you give them money, which they say they will pay back but never will, they relentlessly ask again and again until you break communication with them. I did not agree to “loan” them money and her communication abruptly stopped. Not surprising.
In hindsight I can see how this short reconnect with my sister is meant to help with the clearing of the lower chakras. My sister has been in my dreams along with other family members all week, patterns and old emotions up for analysis. Thankfully I have not been pulled into the drama my sister creates. I can remain the observer and she no longer triggers me like she use to. I plan to continue to communicate with her because this is what my heart tells me I should do.
On top of issues with my sister, there are the on-going issues with my marriage. Currently, my next trip to Mt. Shasta, which is in July this year, is being put on hold by him. Any visit to Nashville to see my friends there is prohibited. Though he is aware of my current project list, he does not understand or really support my spiritual interests unless they are the same as his. Despite all the underlying issues that need to be addressed, my own healing and process are my main focus now. It has been made very clear to me that I am in too fragile of a condition to work on these issues yet. Doing so risks major imbalance, emotional overload and psychological consequences far beyond what I experienced in November and December last year.
In the midst of all this communication with my sister, I have had a resurgence of thoughts of my physical counterpart accompanied by a nagging feeling of emptiness. I had wanted to tell my sister the whole story. She of all people would be one person in my family who would be supportive and understanding, not judging me harshly. Yet I could not tell her. There is a need to talk to someone, to vocalize my thoughts and feelings, but I have no one close to me to talk to. So when I am alone with myself the previously ignored thoughts and feelings come up for inspection with a vengeance.
Last night I decided to watch a movie called, I Remember You because of it’s past life theme. It turned out to be an invitation for emotional purging. I couldn’t even finish the movie. My youngest was snuggling in my arms as I watched it and he kept reaching out to touch me and console me because he could sense my upset. Such a sweetheart. The emotions that resurfaced were mostly sadness and emptiness. My life, though full of projects, love, and everything I physically need, feels utterly lacking and empty right now. It’s like the hole inside me has grown exponentially since last year.
I keep questioning my guidance. They know my predisposition towards wanting to exit life, so why in God’s name would they put me through something that would intensify that predisposition? At the same time, though, I am acutely aware that this tendency is an avoidance technique that no longer serves me and needs to be released. Perhaps that is point?
By the time I went to bed I had a headache from crying so much. I went to sleep asking for assistance and fell into strange dreams. When I woke from them, which was often, the dreams morphed into memories of what was occurring behind the dreams. I was traveling to a place of healing. The memory is a mountainous place with quarries of enormous crystals, minerals and gemstones that I cannot even name. From there I received intensive healing work on my root chakra specifically. There I had some device placed into the root chakra all the way up into the second chakra. This was done several times until it became painful. I mentioned the pain and soon after awoke. When I did wake, I was told I was undergoing “treatment” and “licorice root” was mentioned. I brought back an understanding that this treatment period is very important. It is not just spiritual, mental and emotional, but also physical. I conversed with my guidance about it, asking them why they were spending so much time trying to fix me when I didn’t want to be here. I recall an encounter with another version of me where she asked me if I wanted to go Home or stay and “study” with her. I told her unequivocally that I wanted to go Home. I couldn’t understand why, even though I continue to request this (all this life practically) that I continue to remain here. It was quickly explained that I know why and I didn’t question that fact.
Physically my body is really starting to annoy me. I am suffering from minor issues of all kinds and they continue to persist. The major one is hormonal imbalance. My female cycle hates me and no matter what I try to do it continues to cause me problems. I have made some progress, though. My cycle is back on track. Unfortunately, I am suffering horrible menstrual cramps to the point that my entire lower back spasms like I am in labor. I spent all of Valentine’s day in pain. On top of that there are the sudden blood sugar drops (none in a week, though), the fatigue that hits me mid-afternoon, eye sensitivity (dry, unable to wear my contacts), headaches, memory issues, and sleep disturbances.
Mentally I have purpose and motivation, which is a nice change from previously. The advice from my guidance is to throw myself into my projects. It is the same distraction technique as when I was working full-time. Keep my mind and body occupied during the day and do intensive healing work at night. Knowing that progress is being made should make me feel better, but ultimately any feelings that arise right now are full of an empty, aching and sadness for a loss I can’t seem to come to terms with.
Interestingly, there is an astrologically significant event going on right now which likely intensifies this deep, healing work. It is a Grand Cardinal Cross. Sounds exactly like what I am experiencing and based upon the above linked article, it’s going to continue through April.
On a positive note, I do not get pulled into the negative thinking patterns and the emotional roller-coaster that has been my previous pattern. Compared to how I was, I am surprisingly balanced and level. When I do delve into the darker emotions, the tears and upset caused are temporary and nothing like the level contacted last Fall. When I converse with people now I recognize when their energy signature does not match their words. I am more likely to call them out on it (especially my husband) but do so without a confrontational tone. I refuse to be manipulated or drawn into reactive patterns of behavior. I prefer less talking and more feeling. I allow myself to enjoy the simpler things in life – food, art, music, time with my kids, nature. And my trust level has skyrocketed. I trust that where I am is where I’m meant to be.