Though I have been accessing my creative side for the last few days there has been some deep inner clearing going on under the surface. This clearing does not need my conscious attention. In fact, it would be slowed if I were to focus on it and try to delver deep into it. So, focusing on painting and creating works of art has been an intentional distraction from analytical thought. Despite this, the work going on under the surface reveals itself to me via the dreamstate and in those moments in which I find my mind and attention freed up.
Last night’s dreams confirm that the work being done is great. There are some major wounds being healed, some that have been present for so many lifetimes that they have become part of my core, influencing my physical personality for lifetimes, often times to my own detriment. In touching just the surface of one of these wounds I became instantly apathetic towards life. It is apparent that without healing this wound the desire to fulfill my mission will be lacking.
Yet at this time I am feeling more motivated toward projects than I have been in a very long time. It is this focus toward a goal that keeps me going. Despite this, the feeling is that there is a vital piece missing.
Yesterday, in a moment of free time, I took my son to the playground and laid down on the bench looking up through the trees at the blue sky above. It was warm and pleasant, the trees already showing new buds forming way ahead of schedule. Spring in February? I guess so. As I gazed up into the sky I felt a strange sense of finality mixed with dejavu. Time seemed nonexistent. In fact, I could have been anywhere, anytime. I felt dreamlike laying there. As if all of this life had been merely an idea I mulled over in my mind. I remember feeling as if transported to my childhood, feeling very much like I had gazed into that unchanging sky for lifetimes and would continue to do so for many more. In that moment there was just the moment. It was a nice feeling which made this lifetime seem that much more precious.
I know I am undergoing a dramatic transformation right now. It may not be fully evident, but I sense it occurring. There is more going on under the surface than I have been allowed to access. That is okay with me. I know I will have access when the time is right. There is also a sense that those I have “contracts” with are going through a similar process, whether there is evidence of it or not. Movement for any one of us occurs when all are ready. It is like we are chained together and only when one takes a step forward can we all step forward.
In the background of my mind subjects continue to come up. One is attachment: Can one be attached to attachment? Is attachment so bad, really? It does assist us in surviving in this physical universe after all. The other is expectation/belief in combination with conditional thinking. What conditions have I placed on myself and my life path? How do those coincide with my expectations and beliefs of how my life should look? Are those expectations, beliefs and accompanying conditions causing me to feel joy? Or are they causing me to feel empty and apathetic? At the same time I see clearly how all of the above create this experience and I contemplate how the same applies for everyone. How can I be upset at someone for limiting themselves when I do the same?
In the midst of all these questions I can’t help but think about duality and how it creates the lessons we experience. Rather than resist duality, why not embrace it and the experience it provides? If one can embrace the experience without judgement, then one has mastered the experience of duality. Belief leads to judgement leads to conditions.
What rules have you set for your life? How would you be wrong by breaking those rules? How would you be right? What if you were neither and just accepted that you ARE regardless of the decisions you make? Judgement is the defeat of Self. I can’t do ______ because it would hurt _______ and then I would be “bad”. I will wait until _________ happens and then I will be “right” and I can then live with myself. Ha! It is all an illusion. Create your game as you choose. To really master it you must be able to see how your created it and then change the rules so that you feel joy. Punishing yourself, meaning withholding something you want/desire that brings you joy, in order to align with a “vision” of life based upon what is morally “right” or “wrong” serves only to further the illusion. What then, is the purpose of living, if you place so many conditions on your own happiness that you forget what it feels like to be happy?