I’ve been awake since 4 a.m. In this journey one never really sleeps, do they? I am finding that rest = study, learning, reflection, expansion, travel….well you get the idea. Thankfully, I am all about learning and expansion, so I’m up for it as long as this physical body can get the regeneration it needs to function. 🙂
So what’s on the agenda today? It seems acceptance, solidarity and the heart as a compass (tool) for navigating this life and timeline. Yay!
First things first, my guidance brought all of this to my attention by taking me on a picnic in the mountains. These mountains resembled the Alps, but since I have never been there in this physical body or incarnation I can only go on the energy I sensed around me. It felt like the Alps! Makes me feel like watching the Sound of Music – the hills are alive…..
I sat facing one of my guides, a slender fellow whose Light distracted me from his features. I don’t recall his name but I do recall the conversation and what we were eating: cooked spinach. Ha! Always a message in the food and this food means strength and power! Eating it indicates I need to reenergize and revitalize. Yes! And the beauty that surrounded us was enough in itself to give me a good energy kick. Oh how I love the mountains!
When I came to full body awareness from my mountain retreat the topic of discussion came with me, my path of embracing and expressing my authentic Self prominent. How do I do that? This is where the “help” came in – acceptance. Following that came the word solidarity. Not quite sure how the two went together I knew it would come to me and to be patient. I began to waiver from my heart center, my mind trying to fall back into old patterns of analysis and worry. I was reminded to use my heart as a compass; to feel out the path I should take. I tried it.
Using the heart to navigate life is all feeling. You can’t use your eyes (logic). If you try to “see” the way humans are programmed to, you will end up in a loop. The feeling tells you everything. For me, if I feel nothingness, then I don’t go that way. If I feel awareness and joy, then I follow that. I’m not perfect, though. Work in progress.
Looking ahead I felt no movement – nothingness. Looking inward, towards myself, I felt expansion and the familiar buzz of confirmation. Okay! So the action to be taken is from the space within and from there everything without will fall in line.
As the morning unfolded, this word continued to come to mind. What is acceptance? What am I accepting? Me? My life? My choices? Ultimately, the consideration of acceptance led me to this article and also this one, but only after other events occurred. I’ll get into that in a moment.
Not completely sure why this word came up, I confirmed the definition for myself and then realized it related to my marriage and my desire to feel connected; to share common goals, interests and beliefs. My heart was asking me to inspect further this deficit. It was not something I could ignore and it needed to be discussed openly and honestly with my partner.
So that is what I did. At first it turned out badly. I simply asked my husband if he could allow me to to explore my spirituality without imposing upon me his own beliefs. He responded with a question and philosophical meanderings as is his usual method of avoidance. I asked my question again and he became angry, deciding ultimately that we could not communicate and it was better if we did not. I withdrew and my guidance asked me, “Can you hold space for him?” I sighed and responded with, “Yes.”
Take 2. This time, with me holding space for him (and myself), this conversation did not explode. I allowed him to communicate, allowed him to Be, without judgement, staying in my heart space and out of my mind.
The conversation shifted from there. I asked my question again and he laughed (ha!) because his meanderings did not throw me off as intended and he knew it. I got an answer. Yes.
Fast forward past life happenings – kids put on bus, toddler fed, coffee poured (gotta have coffee!). My husband returns, sits on the floor and begins to talk about random things. He feels connected now and open. Good. I change the subject. I tell him about the messages I got this morning. I shared with him a recent OBE I had where I kissed him and felt suffocated. This caught his attention. Solidarity came up. I told him in no uncertain terms that I believe it is the basis for our marriage difficulties. We have very little solidarity. He listened, open and receptive. So I talked. And talked. lol
Acceptance, Self-Acceptance and the Co-dependency Trap
It is interesting to me how when I speak from my heart suddenly I have such clarity where previously there was uncertainty or even confusion. I did not know what was going to come out of my mouth as I was speaking, but what came out was Truth and quite eye-opening.
Strangely, the topic of co-dependency came up along with solidarity. It was crystal clear to me that I created the disconnection that exists in my marriage. I did this because I sacrificed my own wants and needs – those things which make me feel alive and fulfilled – for those of my husband. I did this from the get-go and was mostly conscious that I was doing it. Why? Because that is how I thought it was done. All I have done built upon false belief, belief instilled in me by my family and by their family.
And he did it, too. We both fell victim to the belief that in marriage one must sacrifice for the other. For me, digging deeper, it was because I felt my own wants and needs were less important, not as valuable, as his. My love for myself was less than my
love desire to be loved by him. It was obvious to me that I sacrificed more of myself than I should, that I ended up leaving myself with very little purpose. I stripped myself of my Aliveness in order to create a relationship.
He never knew the real me because I never showed it to him. I hid it because I did not want him to reject me. I recognized – I knew – that if I didn’t push aside the very things that made me feel Alive inside, that he would not want to be with me. At the time, I felt that having a family and a partner would make me happy, fulfill me, more than I could fulfill myself. I was willing to erase a very vital part of myself to have these things. But what happens when you deny so much of yourself that you lose touch with who you are? You die. Maybe not physically, but you do.
I pointed out that all our arguments and disagreements were because I was attempting to retrieve the me that I lost. Since he doesn’t recognize her, never really knew her, he resists. He sees me as betraying us.
He pointed out that it is very normal to make compromise in marriage, in all groups. Normal. I then asked, “But how much is too much? Where do you draw the line? When you compromise everything that made you happy, that made you smile inside and brought you joy, for another, for the good of the “group”, what then? He said, “That’s a good question.” Um yeah! lol
I explained that everything I have been doing for the past year has been an attempt to retrieve a part of myself I lost, I gave up willingly. I cannot be whole in a marriage if I am not whole in myself. And I asked him: Do you think you can accept the whole me? Can you love a me you were never allowed to see, to know? And then of course, I must ask myself similar questions. For this is what acceptance and self-acceptance is. And solidarity cannot exist without either of them.
Whether this conversation will result in any real change, in more solidarity in our relationship, is yet to be known. He did not answer my question nor did he agree to allow me the freedom to retrieve the part of me I set aside and tried to forget. I am doing that regardless, though. I cannot live dead to myself any longer. I want to feel Alive all the time and I feel most Alive when I am living my purpose.