After writing yesterday’s post and ending it saying, “I just want this to stop. Now,” the emotions literally stopped as soon as the post was published. How odd, right? I felt immense relief. Normalcy. Thank God. It makes me wonder, though, was it just my statement that I wanted it to stop? Or was it the attempt at communicating what I was experiencing?
This morning I became lucid and entered the in-between while speaking with my Team. They were instructing me on what to do; how to handle this period of adjustment I find myself in. I repeated what they said to me. “So, I need to immerse myself in the walk-out’s life?” Then I stated, “Doing this will help me get a foothold on life, give me a starting place, allow for me to integrate fully into her identity.”
I came to full awareness thinking, “WHAT!?”
Then again I was hit with the heart wrenching emotion of yesterday. Instead of crying, though, I got angry. Angry at my Team, angry at my counterpart, angry at this world I find myself in. I gave my Team a firm talking to. Told them I was not interested in jumping full on into the walk-out’s life/my life. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right in her life. I don’t want her life!
Even now in considering the prospect of immersion in her life I feel this sick ache inside. Yet I’m already doing it. Every day. And I know what my Team is suggesting. It’s to allow myself to integrate what she has to offer so that I can embark on my mission with a full toolbox. A set of experiences that will enhance my gifts and give me the firm foundation I need to complete what I came here to do.
But for me, the idea of going to work every day to make money to pay bills and just exist is not a fun idea. I hate it actually. That is where the sick ache comes from. And though I can pretend to be that person, to accept that world and go through those motions to get the paycheck and pay the bills, it feels like a major delay. And when I ask how long the delay, I get 3 years. 😦
My guidance said to me, “Find something you enjoy doing and do it.” Yes, that makes sense, but then right now I can’t think of anything that I enjoy doing enough that it will erase the disappointment I am feeling.
There was also a rejection of the soul exchange process. My anger likely exacerbated the feeling, but it is there nonetheless. When I found myself talking to my Team the way I was, with such certainty and calm about the situation I find myself, I got angry because it is so unfair. Unfair to come here and find my soul family only to discover that I cannot be with them. That I have to do this alone. To feel so completely Alive only to have to return to feeling Dead. All for the sake of some mission I can’t even remember.
As I lay there shifting between fuming over my situation and clarity that what is occurring is leading me exactly to where I need to/want to be, I somehow fell into the in-between. There, clear as day, was a room full of colorful balloons. In the middle of the balloons was a banner that said, “Welcome to your baby shower!”
When I opened my eyes my heart was blazing. It is so odd how my heart has been active lately after almost of month of nothing. I didn’t think much on the vision I received but now I wonder if maybe it is suggestive of nearing the end. I hope so.