Return to work has been an adjustment but I am doing well. It is not torture nor is it something I can’t do, but my heart is not in it. Yet. That could change considering I have been drastically shifting from walk-in to walk-out personality frequently. I don’t honestly know how else to describe it. It is like I am two people fighting for one body.
The first day of work, I caught myself wondering things like, “How do people do this everyday, 5 days a week?” Then I also had moments where I caught myself remembering that I use to like this kind of work and thinking I did like it only to turn around and think, “I can’t do this. I’m glad this is a temporary position.” It’s like the two parts of me were having a discussion behind the scenes all day long. One was advocating for the return to this kind of work and the other was for ditching it altogether
Today I realized that the office I have been assigned to has a number that when added up equals 11. Ha! Later, I ended up in a room that was #1111. Then, on my way home as I experienced yet another major emotional outpouring (in my car again), my eyes were directed to the license plate in front of me. The last three numbers? Yeah. 111.
Strangely, I find myself working very closely with a person I actually worked with in 2004-2005 (nasty part of my Dark Night). In fact, the position I am filling is mainly working in collaboration with her. I like her and she is a very positive, happy person in general. She genuinely loves her job and I am grateful to have her. I feel like I could sit and talk to her about anything….but I don’t. Maybe I will find the courage to do that eventually. I think it would help me get past the emotional outpourings that keep hitting me out of the blue.
Positives about this job:
I get random hugs from little ones who didn’t even know me. 🙂
The person in charge is not a micro-manager and very likable.
Every person I was introduced to seemed genuinely happy to be there.
The dress is much more casual than any place I have worked before. Blue jeans are allowed everyday if you like. Wow!
My duties are all ones that are easy for me to do, enjoyable and serve to help others.
No one will be watching everything I do. I will be allowed to run things as I see fit and as long as I do my job, no one will bother me.
It’s temporary, so if I decide I don’t like it then I am done and am not forced to finish out a contract.
The pay is higher than I have been paid to date. Crazy good money!
The hours are killing me so far. I am not a morning person and having to be to work by 7:15am is rough. I will get use to it, though.
I have to work within a bureaucratic system that has many flaws.
It magnifies the side of me that rejects the old paradigm exacerbating an internal conflict between the old and new me. I left work the first day thinking,”What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just like this (work, 3D, etc) like everyone else? Why is it always so excruciating for me to play these roles?” There is nothing new about this upset. It is so very familiar.
I feel like a failure for taking this job, despite all the positives.
The wild shifting from walk-out to walk-in is exhausting me. I have been asking for it to resolve. I can’t live like this. It is an internal tug-of-war. When I am at work I don’t think of anything but work because I am too busy to. So there is no upset. I am in the moment, doing my job like I’m suppose to. Then, when I leave, I shift very quickly into memory of myself. That’s when the emotion hit me this afternoon. Again it was an overwhelming amount of grief and loss mixed with a powerful, all-encompassing love.
Today, when hit with the intense emotional overflow, I was reminded of a past life with my physical counterpart and I knew without a doubt that I had felt that exact feeling before. In that life I succumbed to it. Actually, I have recalled two lifetimes in which I succumbed to it. I understand why, now. I also see why I have been so afraid of the feeling in the past.
What do I do with this? I have no idea. I guess just let it process. I am told I am integrating. There’s that word again. I am beginning to think that it may mean that I am resolving the split between the walk-out and walk-in. That maybe this exchange is more of a complete and total blending of the two parts to create a whole. That is what the word “integrate” means, after all – to make Whole. So maybe the walk-out isn’t going anywhere? Maybe this is the final resolution of the “fractured Self” my guides told me about so many years ago?
I hope so because right now, the process is a bit too painful to not resolve. When I have these emotional episodes I feel like I am dying. Like my heart is being crushed. Something’s gotta give.