The events of yesterday have dramatically shifted my perspective regarding my marriage and the direction I wish to head in my life. It is not that I have changed my mind exactly but that I need to be true to my Self in this decision. That is the most important overall.
I have had to inspect my own purposes and desires. This is hard for me since I am not use to focusing so much on what I want/need/desire. I have so frequently followed the lead of those close to me in this area. Their wants/needs become mine and not always does this work out well for me. So now, with my life and marriage in flux, I am having to really inspect what is is I want and what is most important to me.
What I have determined thus far is that of the utmost importance to me is my children. They are at the top of my list, and understandably so. I can’t imagine them not being my top priority. They are literally a part of me and always will be and I have a lifetime commitment and responsibility to them as their mother. This will never change. I have at times seen motherhood as a life sentence, and this is not abnormal and I should not condemn myself to the “bad mother club” for having such thoughts. It is part of the lesson they are teaching me. And if I look deep enough I recognize just how much their well-being and success is a reflection of my own. They are my mirrors and through them I can learn to be a better person.
So I must relieve myself of all other distractions and focus on my children. This does not mean I should toss out all my own wants/needs/desires, not at all. However, if they negatively affect my children to the point that they would suffer substantial setbacks, then I must find a solution that minimizes such effects.
I also must have faith that my life path up until this point has prepared me for the very challenges I am now facing. I planned this life and I knew what I was doing.
So for now, my goal has to be to get myself back into shape. Not physically, though. I cannot fulfill the contract I have with my children if I am not whole within mySelf. I cannot give of myself to them if I have depleted my inner worth via miscalculations in life direction.
The message from my Team thus far as been to focus on self-love. Loving the good, the bad and the ugly about myself without judgment, but with reverence of the complex layers that make up who I Am in this physical lifetime. One message that is reiterated is that I should stop viewing potential decisions as “good” or “bad” and see them only as choices that may or may not contribute positively toward to a final life goal. This is extremely difficult to do when surrounded by the judgments of others on a daily basis. However, if I can bypass judgment and look at potential solutions based upon that which I want to achieve and their ability to help me achieve it, then the solutions become more obvious.
So for now, the solution that makes the most sense to me is to find full-time work and put myself back into the driver’s seat of my life. Work not only provides me with something to do that is challenging and fulfills my goal “to help” others, but it also provides me with financial independence, something I do not have now. If I can find work that is fulfilling and enjoyable, then that is just the icing on the cake.
Last week I applied for two positions with an employer I worked for way back in 2005. For months now I have been plagued by a reference issue that I was not motivated to resolve. So last week I directly contacted two of my past supervisors and confirmed their phone numbers and their agreement to be references. Though it may not seem like much, resolving this issue was me saying to the Universe, “Okay. I’m ready to receive.” It felt good to make progress and I felt positive that I would hear back soon about the positions.
This morning I received an email asking if I would consider a temporary position that would last 12 weeks. I replied that I would. To me, any position at this time would be helpful. Not only will it direct my attention toward something positive and productive but it would be a good way to get a future full-time position. It also proves that my references went through because they would not have contacted me if they hadn’t. So if nothing comes of it at least I know that barrier has been eliminated.
We will see what comes of it.
Getting back to work is step 1. From there we will see what happens. I have not thrown in the towel on my marriage, but there is major reconstruction needed to resolve the issues we have. It is imperative that I stop shrugging off or tossing aside what I want from life to appease him. This is unacceptable. Progress will not be made if I continue to do what I have always done.
You may question what perspective I am coming from when I write this post. It is from the perspective of the walk-in but with consideration for the walk-out. The braided state remains until her concerns and considerations are put to rest. I find myself in a very calm and decisive state as of now, which is in stark contrast to what it was and has been for some time. Inner conflict resulted from the inability of us to act in a cooperative fashion for our mutual benefit.
My goals are to pursue and complete my spiritual mission with my spiritual family. Her goals are to complete her mission in regards to the contracts she has with her/my husband and children. What is in her heart is also in mine and I cannot ignore that or else I would be betraying my own heart. If that makes any sense. It does not change the very real conflict that arises when either side tries to force their wants on the other. This is a mutually agreed upon alliance and as such reconciliation between both is a requirement for success on either side.
None of this in any way negates what I have said up to this point about my path and experiences. It does not change how I feel for my counterpart nor does it change what my heart tells me in regards to my path and mission. Integration is a sticky situation and must be handled with love and appreciation for all involved.
It is by no means easy for me to choose a path that looks very much like a detour from this vantage point. Yet if I look at it from the walk-out’s perspective there is much relief and healing to be had for her and her/my family. So be it.