I am still in a funk but feeling a bit better. I have decided to just allow whatever this is to be and to not fight it. It is okay if I am not ready to change yet. It is okay if I want to stay hidden for the time being. Maybe that is what I need right now? Maybe I am just not quite ready to emerge yet.
I had some dreams which woke me up at around 6am. They just seemed to blend to form a very, very long dream.
In the dream I was in a classroom type environment with a few others. I recognized them as my husband’s friends – his boss and her sister and family. There was a woman on stage presenting Lego toys to them. It was an overpriced toy and the woman was new to this. She had never been a sales person and she was nervous. I remember hearing someone tell her, “The toy will sell itself. All you have to do is tell them about it.” So the woman did this and sure enough the people in the audience were interested. I even found myself interested, playing with it, despite the fact that the toy was over priced.
Then I was watching a particular woman, someone I know and do not think highly of, getting interested in the toy. At this time a person was talking to me about this person. The woman started a business (in real life) but had no education or background in such things. She is very naive and innocent and lacks life experience. Just very simple in all ways. I view this as a fault. I am very critical of her in general. I don’t dislike her but she is just very simple and doesn’t find interest in what I do. The man was asking me, “Why do you think she is successful in her business?” I didn’t know. I thought about it, though. It was perplexing to me. He said to me, “She wanted it badly enough and so she went after it and she got it.” Then he said, “When you want something badly enough, you will go after it and you will get it.”
I thought about it. There are few things in this life I have wanted badly. Yet he seemed convinced that I would want something badly enough to do what this girl did. She had never done what she was doing before. She had no experience. No knowledge but she wanted it so badly that she sought out the knowledge and got the experience for herself. And she was succeeding. I didn’t think I would ever want something that badly.
Then I was inside a house that was not familiar. My husband came in exclaiming, “You need to pack everything. We are moving to New York tonight. We don’t have time to waste.” I was shocked. New York? Moving? Now?
I began to pack and acted excited but inside I was screaming that I couldn’t make a move like that. I couldn’t go to New York! It was too cold in the winter and I would never survive the cold and darkness. I knew it. I couldn’t go. It would be a death sentence for me. I was going to stay and decided to tell my husband he had to go without me.
Then I was painting a painting. It was of a building and the moonlight was cascading over it in such a way that it lit up certain parts of it. I remembering showing someone and they remarked at how exceptional it was.
I was pulled into the painting where I was attending a party. I was taken out on the deck of some kind of restaurant and there was the full moon just like in the painting. Everyone was enjoying themselves but I stayed back, afraid. A man brought me a beer and was very friendly. I felt out of place. It seemed like I was part of a band and we were being invited to perform but then that seemed like a cover story. It was not real.
Then I saw in front of me various phases of the moon. I chose the full moon. It felt like a choice. Like I had decided I wanted it.
The scene shifted and I was a man and I was looking at a woman, but she was also me. I recognized myself as both but in this particular moment I was the man. I took her by the hand and said to her, “Come with me. I want to show you something.”And I, as the woman, took my own hand, as the man, and we walked across a field of tall grass in the dark. The full moon was high in the sky and there was enough light to see.
I saw in front of me a large, dark lake. The water was quiet with just a slight rippling on its surface. I saw a wooden pier extending out over the lake and I knew the place. It was familiar. In that moment I felt to be both the man and the woman. This confused me and I woke up.
My Companion was there and I said to him, “I was the man, then I was the woman, then I was the man. I was both.” He said, “Yes, we are.” I felt like this was an important lesson, one which was nearly complete. I could see how my dreams were pointing to my acceptance of being both male and female. Integration.
I recognized that the night had been spent discussing my current situation and what is to come. There will be something I desire, something I want so much that I will be willing, finally, to take the necessary steps to get it. I can’t imagine this happening because I have yet to experience wanting something that much, but apparently something like that does exist.
And the full moon is obviously significant.
Note: This is the second time New York has come up for me this week. A couple of days ago I received a text from an unknown number. I received it at 1:11pm. The text said, “Yo”. lol I looked up the number and it was a New York City area code. Odd. I responded, “Who be that?” lol I never got a response.