Last night I was overcome by all that is within me needing to be expressed. I can’t hold it in anymore. So out it came. I am better this morning but still shaky. The feelings that came out are a result of not being able to contain it all. It is like I am feeling everything acutely; like I have never really felt anything in this life or maybe I did at one time but learned to suppress it. Contents under pressure = explosion.
Yesterday I wrote a post about some of it but never published it. It made me feel vulnerable. I should have known that was the very thing I needed to feel: vulnerable. Sometimes we have to feel that way in order to really see what is hidden within us – the good, the bad and the ugly.
At the urging of my guidance this morning, I am going to include it now. All morning my heart has been quiet until the thought came to post it. Then it lit up warmly as if showing its approval.
Journal Entry July 19th
Sometimes the love I feel for my counterpart is so great, so powerfully overwhelming, that I worry it will destroy me. That I will cease to exist for the very power of it. When this happens, I don’t know what to do. How do I deal with it all?
Last night was one of those nights when I felt unable to cope. I wanted desperately just to be with him. So much so that when I do not act on it there is something akin to pain in my heart, though it is not a pain really. It is more of a longing that turns into an deep, internal ache. There is nothing on Earth like it and I don’t know if there is anything not of Earth like it either. lol
My entire life I have felt the ache but I never recognized it as an ache really. It just felt like I had a hole in my heart all the time. Like I was in the wrong place, wrong time, or left behind in a place full of crazy, forgetful, frenzied humanoid creatures. Simply put it was loneliness. Always lonely even when surrounded by family, by people who loved me, by those who I loved in return. So lonely, so full of desperation to end the loneliness that I determined the only way to free myself was to die. So as young as 7 years old I was wishing to die. I would say it out loud. I would pray it. I would cry it. I also hated myself, but never knew why. I would say it aloud, too. I hate myself. I wish I were dead. It was as if everything around me, all the pain and misery was my fault. I took it all upon myself like I was suppose to fix it and everyone. Why was I like that?
In my desperation to handle the relentless ache in my heart right now, I found myself reverting to my old escape attempts. Wishing to die. Wishing to escape the cruelty of not being able to act on this feeling. It is torture beyond torture.
With immense swiftness my guidance intervened and reminded me of something from my “training” (not sure what else to call it). They reminded me of what the density of the 3D world does to Us. It was given to me in pictures, pictures I understood. I thought that there is no way we live with such feelings when not in a body. How could we bare it? Surely we would explode from the very power, the very force of the pressure from it. Because that is how it feels – like a building up within me of something so amazingly beautiful and magical, so much LOVE, that I will surely not survive it.
I was reassured that we all have these feelings when not in a physical body, when outside of the density of 3D. When we descend into human bodies it is like we descend into a funnel. It is wide at the top but gets narrower and narrower until we end up inside a body. A tiny, cramped, dense sort of prison to us (seemingly). All that we are is crowded into it as best as we can. We are immense, we are beyond limitation and the body represents the opposite of what We are.
Imagine all the feelings that We are being squished, constricted, wrapped up tight inside a tiny human body. We still have them and the capacity to feel all of it, but it is under pressure. It is magnified by the density of our experience. So a tiny spark of love, so minuscule that while outside the constraints of a human body, while in the limitlessness and expansiveness that is our True nature would be akin to the companionship of a very close and dear friend, in this body it becomes a raging fire out of control and so powerful that we are overcome by it.
This, I am told, is what is happening to me.
Believe-it-or-not, it calmed me substantially. I remembered that coming here to Earth, to a human body, was a powerful experience. That is why I/we come. To experience ourselves under pressure, to experience ourselves to the extreme. It’s like sky diving or extreme sports for Spirit. Fun and sometimes wildly so.
I think I must be an adventure junkie. Probably my whole group is. lol
Thankfully, I do not always feel overwhelmed by the love I am feeling. Slowly I am learning to live with it. Like I learned to live with the hole in my heart feeling all my life, I can learn to live with an overflowing heart.
But it is very, very clear to me that most people here on Earth right now would not survive what I am experiencing. They would have long ago taken their own lives or checked out. People don’t typically think of love as a destructive force, and I am not necessarily saying it is destructive either, but I can see the potential toward that. For me it would be self-destruction because I am that way. But some might take that destructive tendency and take down others with them.
This is the explosion I mentioned previously. It gets so hard for me sometimes that I feel I will automatically self-destruct. How can love do that? Well, it can when under intense 3D pressure. BAM!
I don’t know if all twin flames feel like this. I have no clue. All I know is that I feel it. It is my life right now. All.the.time. So yeah, I am coping and grateful for my guidance, but it is very, very hard to be me. And the more I change, the more the Kundalini rises and transforms me, the more I align to the new energies, the more intense the magnetic pull is and the more difficult it is to resist.
While I was typing this entry I had a thought: Something is wrong with this picture. What? What are these feelings trying to show me about myself? I pushed it out of my mind and went on with my day. Then in the evening I was led to some videos and they triggered the above stated emotional outpouring. It was like a clarion call but there are no words to describe it. I have to look at my life, mySelf, my issues and stop avoiding whatever it is I am trying to avoid. Decision time. Yeah, that again. Of course that only led to more crying and “poor me” crap. I am such a sissy baby sometimes.
The only thing I could think to do was beg for help from my guides. I cant’ do this anymore. I can’t live like this. They sent a request and specifically said, “Ask for assistance.” I was, but I guess I needed to be specific.
I ended up sleeping very deeply and having a dream of trading in a used car for a new one. As I woke up as I was saying to my guidance, “I don’t want anything to do with the old car anymore.” My guidance responded, “You can’t leave it behind 100%.” When I woke this answer surprised me. You can’t trade-in a car and keep parts of it with you until you are ready to let them go, can you?