Feeling very shaky this morning. Something happened last night that shook me to the core. I am still trying to make sense of it, if sense can be made.
I am exhausted. My sleep has been interrupted pretty much non-stop since the 25th of June. The incessant Kundalini has not given me much rest. I don’t think I have gotten more than 4 hours of solid sleep in the last 48 hours.
At some point last night I passed out, though it took some time. The Kundalini has kept me in a continuous high vibratory state making sleep much more difficult to initiate. My physical body is rebelling, as well. Nothing major, just watery eyes, mild stomach issues and heightened senses.
Prior to bed the exhaustion had taken its toll and I was in tears and unable to stay in my heart center. My mind was overwhelming me and my guidance was hard to connect with. It was mostly attachment to expectation that was causing this. Little things trigger this issue and though I feel pretty much able to detach from future considerations, I still find myself drowning in upset sometimes. There was also a hopelessness present stemming from doubting that any of what I have experienced on my spiritual journey is real.
I guess the emotional outpouring was the final straw because I don’t remember anything until I woke up some time later. When I did wake up I was in a complete and utter confusion. My body was no longer my body, or so it seemed. Since I was so exhausted and confused at the time, the memory now is minimal. What I recall are a few visuals but mostly sensations. I saw myself while both outside and inside my body simultaneously. Yet I felt very much blocked from my own body, despite being in it. There was another Me present and she had primary control of the body. This other me was very calm, very detached, very similar to how my guides feel. She was non-reactive and seemed almost non-human. I recognized her as me but at the time I was in complete denial of this and panicking at the loss of the me who I now know. I felt pushed out of my own body, though it was right there and I was in it, or partly so.
In my memory of this now what I feel occurred was a glimpse of who I am to become. Some might say that the panicking part is the Ego and maybe that is what it was. Overall it seemed to be a lesson on letting go and allowing whatever may be to happen. It had to do with dropping the attachments to future outcomes. It had to do with putting aside my own wants and needs. The “Me” was being replaced with “We”.
I do not remember much of what happened after this. I do know I was in panic mode for what seemed like a long while. It was the most scary experience I have had in a long time, and I don’t have scary experiences often – rarely if ever.
There was a moment toward the end of the panic and before I returned to sleep when I began to mentally speak in Light Language. When I realized I was doing this I calmed down and I assume I fell asleep in the midst of it, but I don’t remember.
The next time I woke up there was no indication that any of the above even happened. I felt totally calm and supported and loved. There was a sense I had been somewhere familiar but the memory is not there. Whatever happened, I am grateful.