There is a cycle that I find myself in often since my awakening in 2003. It is a lesson that I had not considered was part of this lifetime but now I am seeing it. The lesson is learning to navigate two worlds at once, specifically being able to traverse time while being very much aware of no time.
From the very beginning of my awakening I have had Knowingness. It comes both in the form of my instant Knowing of what is to happen in the future and also being told of things to come outright by my guidance. I actually had Knowingness prior to my awakening, too. For example, I knew as a teenager I would have a daughter and already had her name picked out before I turned 20 despite her birth being 11+ years in the future. I also knew so much more, all without even consciously being aware of my guidance or my own Knowingness.
So when I became aware that I knew – Remembered – it was quite exhilarating especially if it was a positive life event in my own future. Then there was the letdown. It was always fast and hard, like falling off a cliff and bumping my head. Ouch! The letdown was realizing that there was a long wait ahead before I got what I foresaw. Things had to progress before I could get to that point. Sometimes months, but most often years.
The longest waiting game ever for me was being told I would meet “the One” (my current husband) in my 30’s while I was still in my 20’s. I was told it would be 4 years. Despite knowing this, being told this time frame directly, I still asked over and over again when I would meet him and whined and complained about how long it was taking and how lonely I was, etc. The years seemed like forever to me. Being alone for 4 years, jumping from one unfulfilling relationship to the next, struggling to find a career I didn’t hate, learning how to navigate life with my new abilities – all of it made the waiting that much harder.
Eventually, I gave up, assuming I had been lied to or that my Knowingness was all wrong. I had resolved that I didn’t want a relationship, that I would do everything on my own and I liked being alone (which was true). Then I met my current husband and was told, “This is it”. I didn’t understand at first and then I remembered four years earlier when I had been told of our meeting. hahahaha
Now something similar is happening again. Waves of Knowingess have been relentlessly pummeling me for over a week now, streaming in at night and interrupting my sleep. For the first time in years I can see the road ahead. It is like I am standing on the top of a hill looking down at the road below and I can see the destination in the far off distance. Yay! Finally! Problem is: there is distance between where I stand now and the reward at the end. Ugh!
The distance is always forgotten in the moment of Knowing. When I Know it is as if it is all happening Now. Time is not taken into account and I feel as if I have what it is I want right at that instant. It is a glorious feeling and my heart soars. Then the letdown comes in fast and furious. Oh yeah, I live in a world where there is Time. I have to travel from point A to point B and it is not instantaneous. Bummer.
The waiting game has begun. Again. I do not have a time frame for this one, or at least I have avoided asking. I suspect a couple of years at least because I felt that my youngest would be 4. Yeah, can’t help wondering and when I wonder then I get an instant Knowing as an answer. Sucks sometimes. lol
I have to remain positive and stop thinking ahead. I am so often like an impatient child. I struggle to find enjoyment in the moment and right now I have it made. I don’t have to work because money is not an issue. I am with my children, nurturing them and loving them. There is no pressure to change or do something I don’t want to do (like work). Finances are good and stable. I am free and blessed and surrounded by abundance.
The next signpost ahead is not far and once it gets here the complications begin. In the times I see ahead I know I will be okay, that my life will shift and alter around me while I stand in the center watching. This doesn’t mean I am not affected but it means that I am not experiencing significant distress or upset by what is going on around me.
Then there is the tendency to go into despair and doubt my Knowingness. This happened in the example I gave above about the 4 year wait. Eventually I just decided I was wrong to make it easier on myself because the roller coaster of emotions was just too exhausting. In retrospect, I realize I put myself on that roller coaster by being impatient. When I was not getting constant reassurance by either an event in my life or my guidance I was a whiny child. With each relationship I convinced myself I had met “the One” despite being told by my guidance over and over, “You will Know”. I had not had much experience with the type of Knowing they meant at the time, so I kept trying to find it. lolol So naive. Now I know what it feels like so I think I can avoid the roller coaster, or at least most of it.
But so much time passing means more likelihood that I will shift into despair. I have already caught myself doing it but now my guidance says to me, “Focus on your heart. What does it tell you.” And then and there I realize my original Knowingness once again and I am reassured and feel such a beautiful warmth spreading across my chest. And my guidance says, “See. You are not wrong.” Now I have my compass when in the past I didn’t have it (or didn’t know I had it).
This cycle only really happens when there is something in the future I want badly. I get like the child whose parents tell him, “We’re going on a trip to Disney World this summer” and it is October. hahaha I can’t tell time and so I am always asking them when we are going and get completely fixated on it to the point of throwing a tantrum two days before we leave because I have convinced myself that my parents are lying to me (my daughter actually does this!).
So what is it exactly that I see in my future? I won’t/can’t say all of it but I will say that 1. it is directly linked to my purpose in this life and 2. it involves transitioning from 3D into that potential life I mentioned in my other post.
The excitement I feel stems from finally knowing why I am here. I have never known for sure and it has stressed me out ever since my teenage years. I have always wondered what it must feel like for one to know their purpose. My ex was like this. He knew from the age of 6! I was always so jealous. He seemed internally motivated by some unseen force. I wanted that for myself but never had it. I have it now. Yay!!! It’s about time! THIS is why I am here. hehehe