Please do not be alarmed by this post. I am OK. 🙂
All day I have been feeling like there is a part of me that is close to her breaking point. Actually I have felt her often even before this, but today it is more frequent. Several times I have wanted to just stop whatever I am doing and collapse to the floor. It comes with a feeling of not being able to take anymore. It feels like I am presenting myself to God to die. Like I am giving up.
But I don’t succumb to it. I just feel that part of me. I observe it – her suffering and her intense desire to exit this life. I have felt this before with such intensity that I thought I would be unable to prevent myself from succumbing to her angst. Thankfully, I was able to.
Just now, while watching a show on Netflix, I felt it happen again. Thankfully, the feelings don’t overwhelm me. In fact I merely observe them, but it is so real – like I am really thinking the thoughts and really intending to do the things the thoughts relate to. Now, as the time has passed, I can’t even remember what the most recent incident was about. Whatever it was, it alarmed me greatly. It is NOT me. This person, this person is NOT me. And when I thought about it and I got worried my guidance sent huge amounts of love my way and my body was covered in goosebumps.
I looked around me. I saw my portfolio sitting on the desk. I read the name. I kept thinking, “That is not me.” It was really weird in and of itself. So strange that I began to rub my leg, to touch it just to make sure this body was real, just to make sure that I had not entered into a dream somehow without my knowing.
On the show I was watching there was a part that caught my attention quite suddenly and when it did it seemed as though time suddenly slowed down to a crawl. A man said to a woman that someone had given him a “gift”. The gift helped him remember what it was like to be alive. I knew I had been given that gift. In the movie the gift was DMT – that was not my gift. My gift was much more. It was feeling. It was experiencing depths of emotion that go beyond anything I even considered were possible. It was an explosion of love and potentiality.
In that slow motion moment, as I recognized I had been given a gift, the gift of being ALIVE, there was a strange sensation, a strange eerie kind of knowingness, that told me that I had just been born and before this time I had never truly SEEN. My eyes have been closed. I have been asleep. I really have been asleep.
I believe I am being allowed to witness my own birth. I don’t know what to think of it. I am confused but then I am not. I am reminded to fall into my heart, to listen to my heart beat, to focus on my breath, and all of the craziness of it fades.
I wonder to myself, “Who am I?” I feel that other me, that girl who is running and hiding, who is too weak to stand in her own power, who feels defeated by just considering the idea of staying alive one more day. I don’t want her to be me and it confuses me. Yet I KNOW her.
How is any of this even possible?