I haven’t felt inclined to write in this blog lately. This is probably due to the fact that it feels as if the walk-in has receded for the time being, allowing me the forefront. My experiences have varied and as such I have kept to posting in my other blog for the most part. In this I realize I have been mistaken for there is so much that should be documented here that has not been. I apologize for that.
Cycles and Healing
In a nutshell, I have been experiencing periods of cyclic healing. In my mind now it appears to me like a dipper ladling out water one spoonful at a time from a barrel of rainwater. The rainwater has accumulated over this and other lifetimes. The barrel is my heart which has been accumulating emotions over time. When I think of the rainwater that fills this barrel, I think of silent tears.
With each ladle-full of water that is removed comes intense healing and cleansing. Emotions surface which are familiar. These emotions need to be felt and allowed to run their course. Unfortunately, I do not enjoy feeling these emotions. They make me feel icky inside and bring up so much self-hatred that is is very difficult to allow the feelings to completely flow. This, in turn, causes them to return back into the barrel to be ladled out at a later date. In effect, only a smidgen of the rainwater which is ladled out is effectively removed.
Rinse and Repeat
Specific emotions that continue to surface are:
Neglect by Self and Others
Fear of failure
The usual response to these emotions is to hide from them; to retreat within. Lack of motivation results and inability to be around people for long periods of time. It is as if the energy of others hurts and in considering this I believe that the energy of others intensifies the above emotions making it harder to repress them.
Even as I write this post I struggle to contain some of the above emotions. There are thoughts surfacing that cause me to recoil. Thoughts like, “No one reads my blog anyway” or “No one cares what I have to say” and “Why bother?” These are the nicer of the thoughts, too. The feelings that accompany these thoughts are even harder to bear. My heart sinks into my stomach and I feel like I am suffocating. And the emptiness is expansive. I feel as if I am starving, but not for food.
In between these periods of healing there are periods of calm. Sometimes there is great joy that rises from within or there is an all-encompassing love that radiates from my heart chakra. These periods of respite are wonderful but the contrast between these highs and the dark lows is exhausting. Yet experiencing the lows in such contrast to the highs has allowed me to see more clearly that which pulls me into the pits of despair. It is the very rejection of the love and joy, of my being deserving of them, that throws me back into the pit. And the loneliness I feel seals the deal.
Let it Flow
I have yet to find the solution to this cycle other than to let it run its course. I am told by my guidance that this period is nearing an end. They advise me to not act on the negative feelings that arise, but to let them pass. This I do because most of my life I have lived through these emotions and never acted upon them other than to withdraw and become an irritable mess. These are mild in comparison to the sometimes intense urges that come with them. It is these urges which my guidance wishes me to inspect without becoming the effect of.
In addition to this, I am being urged to reach out to others; to find someone to confide in even if temporarily. My husband is the obvious choice but unfortunately he does not listen as he use to. Where once he was attentive and receptive, he is now impatient and shows little or no sympathy. He offers up solutions without hearing me through and gets aggravated with me when I do not recover quickly from his dismissal. Since I once considered him my best friend this loss in itself is enough to keep me from confiding in him anything of substance. And since I have no other physically present outlets in my life in which to confide, I am left with no one.
I am reminded that introspection has its limitations. Sometimes we must move out of ourselves to find relief. Balance is achieved when we do both.