The last week has been eye opening for many reasons. As you know, I have been sick. It appears that something about the state of being ill in itself was transforming for me. The misery I felt seemed to pull forward the walk-out personality and I often languished from it. Most of the days that this occurred left me feeling emptier than I have ever felt and longing for a reprieve. My thoughts, when active, shifted toward death most of the time. It was a very uncomfortable place to witness and I could feel my body responding to it. I was reminded by my guidance that the body perceives. This I understood but the walk-out would push me aside and I would think, “Good. Maybe I will die.” Though such thoughts are disturbing, they must be acknowledge as we all need acknowledgement. It is part of our experience here – to want to be heard and understood. She just needed to be heard.
I was also forced to rest and take it easy. I have not exercised for almost 2 weeks and the one time I decided to go for a 20 minutes walk around the neighborhood with my youngest I ended up paying dearly for. The forced downtime was eventually accepted. How could I not with such a miserable feeling all the time? Even laying down was miserable. My entire body ached, especially my head 😦 And it was during the times of rest when I would be forced to acknowledge this life I am living and the feelings that were surfacing.
In the brief periods which I felt somewhat normal, I would feel almost driven to practice yoga. The few times I was able to do this, I felt a huge release and intense healing energy pouring into my crown. This always occurred after yoga while lying in savasana and meditating. After each of these occurrences I would struggle to fall asleep as I would be almost vibrating with a vital energy. Such a stark contrast it was to the feeling of being ill and miserable.
Though I am still ill, I am now sensing that recovery is forthcoming. After 12 days of suffering I finally had enough and sought out antibiotics. Yesterday was day 1 of 10 days. Already I feel 70% better. It turns out I had a sinus infection and suspected bronchitis as well. Neither of which have I ever had in this life.
The first time I took the antibiotic I lay down on the sofa to rest. The fatigue I have been feeling has been akin to how I felt after my c-section, so laying down has been 75% of my day. After about 15 minutes or so I began to feel this strange cold chill all over my body. It was not familiar and so I focused on it, curious. As I focused I noticed that the cold feeling began to spread into my chest area. I knew then that it was the medicine I was feeling as it spread throughout my body. It felt exactly like drinking a freezing cold glass of water except that the feeling was in my lungs. The cold sensation lasted most of the day and then it just stopped. When it stopped is when I first began to feel better.
I don’t know if it is because of the antibiotics or because I am nearing the end of this illness, but for the last two nights I have had energy sensations in my third-eye, crown and neck area. In one particular instance I was hit with energy directly to my solar plexus region so many times I lost count. It would always happen when I was on the brink of sleep and was similar in intensity to what I have experienced in the past and called the “lightening bolt”. Usually I would ask what is happening, but I have been so tired I have not cared to ask. I suspect, though, that these energy sensations are both a part of healing and re-alignment.