Instructions for the walk-in have been in-coming. It is funny, but I have to keep asking, “Am I the walk-in?” The answer I got last night was, “We keep telling you that you are. Don’t you hear us?” Then I remember again the message, “You are ALIVE.” Yeah, I listen, I guess I just don’t get it. I still feel like me, but then, slowly, I am beginning to see the separation between me and the walk-out. It is sometimes a very surreal experience. Unbelievable and disconcerting at times.
My dreams makes no sense lately, yet when I awaken I know what they mean and what was being discussed during them. I have strange images that seem seared into my memory from these dreams. One is a giant, red, tear-dropped shaped fruit that hangs from an enormous tree covered in similar-looking fruit. Another image is of outer space. I am traveling OOB and my destination is a planet the has three suns. I can see the three stars (suns) very vividly. They are clustered together and I hear, “Calendronia”. What I think of when I recall this memory is Palindrome – which is a word that reads the same frontward and backward. Weird.
My guidance is appearing one by one and quite stern and serious in their approach of me. I keep getting a stern talking to about my purpose right now, which is to maintain control and integrate. They remind me that the adjustment period is not as lengthy as it may seem and that time, though it may slow the progression of things, has already been worked into the equation. Hmmm. What am I suppose to do with statements like that? I have no clue.
“Make changes, but make them gradually so as to not upset the walk-out.”
This morning I awoke knowing that I had been previewing those things in the walk-out’s personality and habits that need to be reconsidered, tweaked or thrown out entirely. My agreement was forthcoming but now, it seems quite a bit overwhelming to me to act on such easy, straight-forward tasks. The mirror experiment has already proven very difficult. Now I am being asked to do even more. This effectively cuts off the walk-out in such a way as to prevent outbursts such as the one a couple of days ago.
What are the assignments?
- Avoid communication via the computer except when necessary.
- Blogging needs to be dropped to a minimum. Daily entries are discouraged. Really?
- Email communication instead of communication via social media. Phone communication preferred over email. Face-to-face ideal.
I saw also that the walk-out’s inhibitions must be confronted. Memories of childhood and a decision which impacted her life negatively came up.
1983. The specific memory was from 2nd grade. IQ score was 148. It was recommended that I be moved up to 4th grade and skip 3rd grade. My father decided to let me choose. I chose to stay in my current grade level. Implications? I got use to things being easy. School was too easy. I became easily bored but did not challenge myself to make things more interesting. Instead, I turned inward and became emotionally withdrawn with angry outbursts. My creativity was not nurtured. My intelligence was not nurtured. This made me a very lazy adult as well. I chose the path of least resistance every time. Rather than go into mathematics and computers in college, I chose the social sciences because they were easy and didn’t require much study or out-of-school effort. I was very good at math/computers, though, and was asked to pursue a mathematics degree. I was also encouraged to study computer programming, which I excelled at. Both options I turned down. I remember my consideration of the math route. I recalled the 20 pages of homework nightly from one Pre-Cal class and opted out even though I got a 98 in that college course. I chose music instead, which is also mathematically-oriented, but eventually dropped it to my minor because I didn’t want to learn piano. Ultimately, I chose education and social sciences because I was fascinated with psychology.
I also have a tendency to avoid people. As a child I was the opposite. I was very bossy and tended to be the group leader. This all changed around 5th grade, likely because we moved halfway across Texas and I was taken out of my comfort zone. Yet in adulthood, this social tendency will come out and when it does it is wonderful. I enjoy it thoroughly. I thrive in leadership roles, which I rarely take on because….yep, it is more work than stepping back and letting another person do it. lol Being a teacher put me into the leadership role. Teaching came naturally for me without the “work” that comes with taking on a leadership role among one’s peers.
I have long wished I had challenged myself more. My IQ dropped to 132. Not that IQ defines a person’s ability level much anyway. However, in recalling all this about my past, I realized that I am very, very bored right now. I do not have enough mental stimulation. This is an on-going struggle for me. I know what I should do, what would make me happiest, but then I choose not to do it because I want to stick to easy.
Now I am being asked to stop taking the easy route. To put myself into leadership roles. To challenge myself mentally by taking on new challenges and pushing myself to my limits.
Currently, the only assignment is to shift away from computer communication. Stop relying on the computer to communicate. This is the “easy” route when it comes to communicating with others because you can hide behind the computer, disconnect whenever things get uncomfortable, and put forth whatever persona you wish. Yet at the same time it is isolating and impersonal. For people like me, who have avoided crowds and groups, the computer can become a crutch which can slow development to a crawl. We don’t learn by isolating ourselves. We learn by experiencing life.
What is funny is the reason I turned down computer programming as a career is just because of the impersonal nature of the field. LOL Yet here I am hiding behind my computer anyway.
I’m not experiencing much at all right now in life. I have to get out there and experience.
I need to LIVE.
Sigh. This is going to be really, really hard. I need a kick in the butt. But please, universe, don’t make it an eviction notice. Be gentle.