After the walk-out’s intense break-down yesterday, I was left stunned and confused. I honestly did not expect to have something like that come up and when it did I felt helpless to do anything about it. Thankfully, my guidance was able to prompt me with questions so that I was able to come to terms with what happened.
The main issue that was bothering me was the utter strength of the walk-out and her persuasive effects upon me. I wanted to follow the urges. Why? I was asked to inspect this in order to better understand it.
I discovered that I truly do love her and because I love her, I want her to have what she wants. I want to alleviate her pain and upset, for her pain is my pain. It is much like a parent-child relationship in this regard, except that I am not a very good parent. I do better parenting my physical-life children than I do her! With them I am able to stand my ground, despite their tantrum throwing. With her, it seems, I do not withstand the upset so well.
I was encouraged to communicate more with her, to work to resolve the upset in this way. This is not easy for me for some reason. In my desire to give her what she wants, I am easily persuaded. In fact, when I did listen and try to understand her side, I ended up overcome by her desires, as if they were my own. This left me in more of a confused state than I started!
Eventually I was reminded of a past life, one in which I deserted her completely. It was too much for me and I retreated, leaving her to her own devices and without guidance. This was a mistake and We paid a heavy price. I saw very clearly that in my final return and review of that life, I was able to distinguish quite clearly the split between us. Just as I now can distinguish it.
That life was in 80AD. How long had this been going on?
The implications of this are overwhelming to me and I am not sure whether to write my conclusions or not. It appears, though, that I, this part of me that is present now, has not been actively present in most, if not all, of my Earth lives. I conceded to the other part, the demanding, strong-willed, human part. It was just too much for me – the emotional overload, the chaotic thoughts, the intense urges toward one thing or another. I recall being overwhelmed and overcome by it all in that life in 80AD. I chose to withdraw. I remember choosing to withdraw. I did this for many reasons, but mainly because I could not find a workable solution for both of us.
It is in these memories that I recall once again the process of becoming human – the creation of the human personality. It is a mixture of me and the biological, inborn and instinctual organism that we call human. From the very beginning an agreement is made. Without it, there would be no true life in this body at all for in the blending of Us there is brought into being a altogether new and unique version of Us. This is how We experience. Its an agreement between two halves of a Whole.
This body, this biological organism we call human has its own consciousness, its own identity. Without me, it would be a simple-minded creature likened to one of the great apes or maybe even less than that, but it does have a Self. Everything has a consciousness, down to the very building blocks of life. How very peculiar, yet I knew this already, it just was not real to me. That I portioned off a piece of myself and somehow added it to the already existing consciousness is mind-blowing but at the same time I remember the entire process!
This is also why I cannot go OOB, or have not been allowed to. I have to be in the body. Fully. For how can I control it without being in it fully? In fact, I was trying to withdraw last night and was told I had to stay. It is difficult to stay in a place where there is always such conflict. The goal must be to resolve the conflict. How? This is my dilemma. Always has been. I want her to be happy. It hurts for her not to be happy. This is unbearable to the point that I withdraw for no solution I have tried seems to resolve her pain.
There still then remains the problem: How do I maintain peace within? How do I unify Us so that we function as intended – a fully, operational unit? Should I appease her? If so, how? I do not even think I can give her what she wants.
After all this, I finally understand what my guidance has been telling me about becoming Whole.