The walk-in is hesitant to write this account except that We feel it must be relayed expeditiously. Please be warned that it could cause some alarm in those unaccustomed to intensely irrational and erratic thought and behavior patterns. Please be reassured, however, that nothing negative will result as the walk-in and We, her advisers, maintain steady and thorough control of the physical vehicle.
Before we begin, the following piece, Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, the first movement, should be listened to as it was a part of the experience of the walk-out.
A Trip to the Edge
As I was enjoying my day alone, watching the movie Dimensions and not thinking of much in particular, I was suddenly struck with an intense amount of despair. There was a distinct separation that occurred here, almost like I shifted into immediate Observer mode, but even this is inadequate a description for the experience itself was very powerful and I was in fact pulled into it somewhat. The above music was playing in the movie, whether it is a contributor to the experience, I am not sure, but I was drawn to listen to it several times after the event.
The main feeling that swept over me was the feeling of an inability to cope with the situation of considering a lifetime without connecting with what the walk-out perceives to be the person she is suppose to be with. In this case, you can refer back to the Union for reference. It became clear that the trigger was somehow being re-stimulated at this time and the walk-out was suffering. There was no back and forth communication here. It was not like the walk-out was being told, “No” and there was no evidence of bargaining. It was pure grief and withdrawal from life.
There were brief periods where I was able to regain control and recover but these were not without difficulty. The crying seemed inexhaustible yet it did stop and I would continue with the movie. Within moments, however, it would come on again with more intensity. This happened about four times total and lasted about 10 minutes.
Where it became almost unbearable was during the last episode. That’s when the thoughts began to shift toward ending life. This is not unusual for I have experienced such thoughts on and off in this lifetime but never were they anything that would have resulted in action. Never have I even come close. Yet at this time I had such a strong urge that I felt I would be overcome by it. There was no set intention, however; just an urge to escape and be done with it. I do not remember the exact thoughts now. Just the feeling. It was very scary even as an observer.
It was at this point that my guidance, though almost a whisper, reminded me to allow it to flow. I knew it would pass, that it was an attempt on some level for the walk-out to have her way. And with this there was a sadness in knowing that such agony existed within me. That it ever existed and that it was so hopeless that it was willing to end it all. Yet at the same time this, I knew, was a good thing, for without this willingness to end it I would not be able to observe nor be in control.
It did pass. The originator of the thoughts and feelings that were there just moments before pushing me to the edge of insanity just…vanished. She was gone. All the thoughts and impulses vanished. And I felt like me. Normal. Calm. Okay but concerned.
This is the first time in this entire process that the separation between us as been this clear. There was no gray line. No haze. I do not want to die. She does. Plain and simple.
I am still in shock because of the utter strength and perseverance of the walk-out, which is undoubtedly my Ego or something akin to that. She is not evil and I will never portray her as such. I love her. Yet this proves I definitely need all the guides I can get. That was HARD!
I asked for help and they told me I was receiving it and would continue to. They seem completely unaffected by her outburst. They didn’t say this, but it was like they were saying, “We got this handled. YOU got this handled.” Glad they are confident because after that, I am quite a bit unsteady.