After this morning’s demonstration, there was a post-demonstration discussion.
What struck me as the most significant about the experience was the telepathic connection I had with the facilitator and how extremely relieved I was to find that he had complete access to me in my entirety. Good and bad, he could see it all. There was no need for pretense, for worry, for concern about anything being “found out” because all of me was already known. Instantly known. It was the most amazingly free experience I have had.
Like any good teacher, mine was asking me questions to help me better understand my reactions to the demonstration. I wish I could remember how it went word-for-word. It is pure genius really.
First off, the feeling of total freedom and willingness to open myself up to another proved that I could openly trust another. In fact, that is my natural state. I came into life like that. Fully trusting and open. That is why I felt such relief. It was such a heavy burden carrying around all that pretense and worrying that I would be “found out”. I was free to be me!
It was pointed out to me that I welcomed the sexual interaction and that this was also a natural part of who I am. It is a healthy sexuality, meaning that I enjoy using my body for pleasure and do not mistakenly attribute that pleasurable activity to anything else. Sex does not equal love. Not in my book.
I knew he was right. In fact, I have always been open about my sexuality. Not embarrassed about feeling what I feel or wanting to do “kinky” things. Sex is sex. I don’t need to have sex to show love, either. In fact I can take it or leave it. Just the same to me.
Yet somewhere along the way my comfortableness with my own sexuality was tainted. Ruined. What happened?
Beliefs, Gender and Sexuality
This is when more puzzle pieces began to come together. I suddenly knew why the advances of men made me so uncomfortable. It was because they sent to me a feeling of wanting to possess me. To have me all for themselves. That is the most restrictive feeling ever and I completely reject it. When I feel a man’s desire for my physical body I feel all that is attached to that and there is A LOT. Here are just a few:
- A man possesses his woman – all of her. This implies she is not her own person and has no say over how her body is used or treated.
- Having sex leads to love; means you are loved.
- Having sex is the best way to show someone you love them.
I then saw how this issue manifested in my relationships. Early on, I was eager and open to sex and sexual exploration. My first partner, and later husband, was as well. Yet he ended up addicted to sex in ways that made me very uncomfortable. He was even interested in Swinging and tried to get me to do that. No way! For him, I tried to accept the belief that sex and love went hand-in-hand, but for me it was never that way. Sex and love were separate.
During my Dark Night, newly divorced, I decided I would not restrict myself when it came to sex. I enjoyed it so why not enjoy it with someone I liked? Time and time again I ran into the same problem. The man would get possessive or fall head-over-heels in love with me and I would be in shock trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It had to be my fault right? I had to be doing something wrong.
I tried the one-night-stand approach. All good and great except that it left me feeling I had done something horribly wrong. In hindsight I realize this was/is connected to the fact that my body is a temple and not to be shared with just anybody. At the time, I knew this, too, but was desperately lonely and depressed.
Tired of the rat race, I asked my guides to send me someone who I would get attached to via sex. That was a stupid idea. Really stupid. I remember I said, “I want to experience what it is like to have an intense sexual attraction to someone. One that makes me crazy.” Wish granted. They gave me his name and the date I would meet him. I met him on that exact day. Then, I got a good taste of just how screwed up one can get when they confuse sex for love.
At some point I decided that sex was not worth the confusion and upset it caused in my life. Something was wrong with me. I was too detached from the sexual act. Too laid back and open while my partners were too serious and attached. And every time I gave in and accepted the man’s belief that love = sex = love and that I somehow was obligated to service their manly needs, I felt more degraded and empty inside. No wonder I’m so screwed up!
It just so happens that early this morning my husband called me on his way to work to discuss just this topic. To make a long story short, our relationship is very tense when it comes to sex. We have had many arguments about it. He likes to say, “I want to show you I love you.” I can’t work with that because I don’t use sex to show my love. When I try to explain that to him he gets hurt and I get exasperated. Usually he tries to make me feel guilty for not giving him “what he deserves” (sex – and yes he says those very words). Of course you can imagine how mad that makes me! Who made up the rule that when a man marries a woman she then becomes his sex slave and he forever has sex anytime he wants? Oh wait, it was man….Sorry had to say it.
We had a good conversation where I shared with him what I had realized over the last week or so. When explaining what I had learned about myself, I told him that I can sense all his beliefs about sex and that this is why I recoil. I told him I was sorry but that if he wanted to not feel that recoil to approach me from his heart instead of his man parts. lol I explained that if I were to “cheat” on him with another man, meaning have sex, then he would be furious because I had sex with another man. However, if he cheated on me with another woman, I would be furious because he broke my trust. I could care less about the sex part. I think that got through to him.