Self-Love and the Human Form

When I awoke this morning there was suddenly a memory of what had transpired in my sleep. It did not match my dreams. I am becoming use to this phenomenon, though. What I need to know will be revealed when I need to know it.

My guide kept saying to me, “You are beautiful”. I rejected it. “I don’t feel beautiful”, I told him.

Message: There is something for you to inspect. It is the core of your refusal to love yourself. If you can see what is there – why it is there – then it can be released and you can love yourself, all of yourself, again.

pamelamiles1Memory, February 20, 2016: On this day I remember looking at my body and being amazed by it and its beauty. It was like I had not really looked at my body. Ever. This day was also the day I accidentally found old photographs that had been taken when I was 19 years old. They were in the nude (blush) and had been returned to me by my ex-husband probably because his new wife found then and was mortified. lol I decided to look at a few of them and realized I had not changed even after having three babies! How is that even possible? Woah! I’m 39 with the body of a 20 year-old. Cool!

Another memory: My husband grabs me from behind. He does this often. He does this playfully, to show his affections and attraction to me. I push him away. I am overcome with an uncomfortable feeling. I don’t want him to find me attractive. It is a feeling I have had a long time. I don’t like that I react and feel this way. It is not me.

Memory from age 10-11: My family is swimming together at a friend’s pool. My mom comments on my chest area. She says, “I can see where your boobs will be already. This means you will have bigger ones than I did. I am jealous already!” I retract from this completely. I am thinking, “Boobs? I don’t want boobs!” There comes with this a complete rejection of the label of “woman” and possessing the body of a woman. I don’t want to be a woman!

Memories from middle school: I remember all the unwanted comments I received from both girls and boys at this time in my life. In 6th grade, even though I was the youngest in my age group, I was already an A cup. Girls were always commenting on how “lucky” I was to have boobs. Boys older than me would make comments that were inappropriate.

By 7th grade I had the body I have now. I was 12 years old! Girls kept commenting on my body. I remember being in the dressing room with 8th grade girls. They were so much older and mature it seemed. They made comments and joked about my body. Why did they do that? I would get dressed/undressed in the bathroom stall to hide from them. When I came out they would make snarky comments like, “Why are you hiding in there?”

It was the same with boys. On the school bus they would ask me to show them by boobs. I hated it. Some would comment on how large they were. They were a C-cup but on my tiny frame they looked big. I hated my boobs! Another girl would show her boobs to them. I was mortified! All this in the back of the bus. I never wanted to get home faster than that school year. I tried to sit away from the back of the bus but always got chastised for it so ended up in the very back seat with those older boys.

I remember looking in the mirror at my body and hating it, especially my breasts. I use to fantasize about not having breasts. I wanted to be the old me – the tomboy. I climbed trees all the way until my 12th year. Then it was “unladylike” so I stopped. My favorite thing to do was fish. Other girls didn’t do this. I stopped fishing – convinced myself that I didn’t like it. I loved nature and being outside. Other girls wanted to put on make-up and stare at boys. I was not interested but followed along. I started hating boys because they no longer saw me as an equal – as me. They saw me as a woman – as a sexual object.

self-love2Memory from 1988 – I was at Disney World with my sisters and my Dad. We stayed at the Dolphin hotel. It was brand new and had it’s own water park. When we went to the water park I needed a new swimsuit. My Dad let me buy one in the park. I chose a bikini. My first ever. When I came out in my bikini I felt naked and exposed. My Dad saw me and stared at me. He said, “Well, well. Look who’s all grown up.” He kept staring at me and I recognized the feeling coming from him. It was the same feeling all those boys at school and on the school bus sent me. I hated that feeling! And now my Dad was sending that same feeling to me! I shrunk away from him and ran off to swim, trying to focus on the water rides and avoid the stares of all men I encountered. I never looked at my Dad the same way again. He was one of them now.

Memory of past life: When I was in my first year teaching I was blown away by the beauty of my female African American students. It brought back a memory of a past life when I looked like them. So beautiful! If I could be in any female body it would be that of a black woman. I assume it comes from that life – I was petite and naturally beautiful and had such a great network of friends. It occurred to me that I compared my current appearance to that life, that body.

Memory from 2004-2005: I was “dating” a guy and going to marry him. It was set up as a marriage of convenience. I help you, you help me. He fell in love with me. I loved him, but not in that way. I could not accept all of him. I could not accept his appearance. I tried. Oh, I tried! I knew it was wrong of me to reject him only because of his looks. So I tried to force myself to accept that part of him. I failed miserably and ended up hurting him horribly. I despaired over my inability to unconditionally love him. I hated that my own body rejected him! It seemed physiologically impossible to be attracted to him. I realized later that he was teaching me about myself – that I had this same reaction, this same rejection, of my own body.

There are so many more memories that surface. All of them with beliefs attached to them. The lesson in all this is that to love one’s self fully you must love all of your Self, even the “flaws” you perceive. This is just a body we put on. It is temporary. It is not us.

And behind all of this is my beliefs of what it means to be a woman. All the lives in which my female form was abused and used by men. No wonder I felt such horror when I realized I was going to become a woman. Yuck!

So much to absorb so early in the morning. I am being warned to not become too attached to my human form. To let go of the restrictions and beliefs that come with it. I find this assignment a bit overwhelming. Impossible, in fact.

 

 

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in lessons, love, walk-out and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Self-Love and the Human Form

  1. mollyb111 says:

    This is really good!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carolyn Thompson says:

    Great read! I remember going in to the bathroom a long time ago and was amazed i had boobs… then I was amazed I thought that…. LOL (I am a woman, naturally) LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Karin says:

    I’m thinking back about what you wrote earlier, and now all starts to make sense and to fall into place.
    You wrote several times about dreams where friends were making sexual advances towards you, and there were several dreams with sexual background (where men tried to touch you or where a couple was having sex on a bed right next to you). As if the universe was constantly trying to bring this issue into consciousness and suggesting over and over, ‘Look at this. Why does it make you feel so uncomfortable?’

    Now it all starts to make sense. The past live memories where you were abused. The fact that you don’t like having a female body. The little suggestions by the universe to look at this area of your life. The healing intervention by the three Yeshua beings.
    It is so great that you journal and are able to connect the connect the dots in retrospect.

    Congratulations to your beautiful and youthful body, and congratulations to making peace with being in the body of a woman and loving it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dayna says:

      You had the same realization as I did. Thank you for putting all the pieces together – this means you really pay attention to what I write, too. 🙂 Thank you for that.

      My Team is very persistent when trying to get me to inspect things. They are relentless, actually. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful group of helpers.

      I had more intervention on the subject of sexuality and self-love. So much to absorb this morning. I really, really have lots to clear in this area of my psyche.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. kittyasmith says:

    This is mind boggling. There are a lot of synchronicities with my life! As a child I used to think I was supposed to be a boy. I despised playing with dolls. I preferred to make things (I still do 😋) and liked climbing trees, fishing, playing in dirt.

    I was apalled by the lewd behavior of boys in 4th grade pumping their pelvis as girls walked by. The unwanted comments in my teen years. I was the opposite of you, I was a very late bloomer at 17 and the boys were horrible. My father also held improper thoughts towards me. Many men did and even exposed themselves to me. I was very sexually confused.

    My first marriage was at 19. I was going to break off the wedding, but he cried saying he did not know what he would do without me. I felt sorry for him and went through with it. He was mentally abusive.

    I was really surprised about your comment about not wanting your husband to find you attractive. I have desired the same thing for several years!

    You have made me realize I may need to take another look at my life and the lessons to learn.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s